A Christmas gift no one would expect...

My In-Laws gave us a fire escape ladder!

Not because we are fostering, but because of a tragic accident a few weeks ago in the area they live. We sleep on the second level of the house and should there be a fire, I imagine it could easily prevent us from using the stairs to get to the main level where our only exits are.

Ironically, our home fire inspection is tomorrow at 4pm and I think the Fire Marshall is going to be very pleased with the fact that we have an escape ladder!





I think I said a few weeks ago that I had printed our evac. plans...well, let's just say, I had good intentions to finish and print them. But today, I can honestly say that they ARE printed. See, those images prove that they're done. They've even been updated to include the new ladder.

How did I create our evac plans? Well, I have an unfair advantage. It's kind of what I do for my 9-5. I have access to software, editing, printing, etc.

If you don't have all that though, you can definitely hand draw the plan. I recommend using a large solid line for the exterior walls, with thin lines to represent interior walls. This helps make the plan easy to read. You can easily see the breaks in the thick black exterior wall line, making the exits stand out better. Red is obviously a good color choice for EXIT text and highlighting other areas that you have in your home, that might be established as "safe" or "go to" locations, can be helpful as well.

I didn't extend this to the exterior of the home, although...in future plans, I might. I think it would be great to establish a central gathering location outside. This way all individuals can be easily accounted for.

For us, this seemed like a silly exercise. We plan to foster babies/young toddlers. I don't imagine many of them will be reading evacuation plans. That said, our house is now much safer for not just ourselves, but overnight guests. And actually, how many of us take the time to draw an evacuation plan for our preschool aged children? Now, we won't have to worry in a few years!

Results are in!

I don't have TB!

I was a little impatient this morning having to wait 20 minutes for a lady to take 10 seconds to look at my arm. I was the first person at the doctors office and the 3rd to be seen- really guys? Let's get organized, I was promised that I would get the official reading BEFORE 8:00am. When I have to come to the help window at 8:17am to ask what's going on, for you to only THEN try to find out, I am NOT in a good mood.

Anyway, in other news we have now both had physical's, I've completed the TB test and He's getting his this evening (for cheaper at the county health dept.), we've bought the correct ABC fire extinguisher and a new smoke detector to replace a missing one and this week I'll print out our evacuation plan and emergency phone number list then we only need to schedule the fire inspection and send in the paperwork.

We're getting there...

It's been a while...

...and it's been quiet all around.

Right now, we're getting our physicals, had to wait for the appointments. The husband's is today, one day after his 28th birthday! My appt. is Friday afternoon.

I did go to the county health dept. last Friday afternoon {Side note: When the economy went south my firm made a decision to cut everyone 10% time and salary which = 4 hour Friday's and to be honest, I kind of love it! Well, despite making less money in my paycheck.}in an attempt to get my TB test. Turns out, I would have had to go back on Monday before 4:30pm and to make a long story short, it wouldn't be possible for me to get back there. I'm a little bummed that I can't get the "inexpensive" TB test and will instead be paying a premium at the Dr.s office on Friday for it.

We're also waiting on the fire Marshall to call and schedule our home fire inspection, which reminds me, I need to finish the evacuation plan and pick up an "ABC" fire extinguisher. {Side note: We were told we had to have the extinguisher mounted and this worries me- it's not exactly going to go well with the decor and style in the house...I'm crossing my fingers that under cabinet mounting is allowed.}


I have started making a quilt, which I've never done before so Lord only knows what made me think now, of all times, was a good time to try it. But, I am. And with lots of help and advice, I'm off to a good start. There's just this whole holiday schedule thing getting in the way of making significant progress!

And finally, a rest from the cleaning!

So, I would love to say we didn't have to do a thing for our homestudy...but if I did, I would be lying.

Let's just say, my mother instilled a strong belief that your house must look picked up and cleaned whenever ANYONE came over, didn't matter who. You have clothes all over your floor and haven't vacuumed? Then I guess no friends will be coming over tonight. After spending half a day picking up my room...there was still always something that wasn't right. I've inherited this little trait. I don't know if it makes me proud or scared for my kid's future.

Anyway, the husband endured my wrath over the last 5 days and we both survived and now have a decently straightened and cleaned house. The best part...we can enjoy the holiday without thinking about cleaning!

This past Saturday we shampooed the carpets with a fancy rental cleaner and I think we both secretly enjoyed doing that. Sometimes cleaning isn't so bad...but, our dishwasher is broke so sometimes...IT'S HORRIBLE. Let's just say, neither of us care to do dishes.

Note to husband: Please work on dishwasher before first placement.

But, back to the story of getting ready for our homestudy. We swiffered pet hair, vacuumed and shampooed carpets, dusted, cleaned bathrooms with toothbrushes, still worked our 8 and 9 hours in full time jobs, finished laundry, swiffered pet hair again, mopped hardwoods, put away random items that were lying around, dishes, more dishes, made mashed potatoes for 30 people for office Thanksgiving pot luck (actually that wasn't for the homestudy but it meant we had to do more dishes...PLEASE FIX THE DISHWASHER SOON!)

And in between all that cleaning we talked about why we were doing this, what we hoped for and were scared of, and how our lives will change. Some of it my husband would've said was nagging because I really want him to talk in detail about his thoughts and feelings. He was unfortunately unavailable on Tuesday nights for our class and instead was given workbook packets to do...let's just say, he's yet to complete a full packet. But thankfully, he listens when I talk and he, to my surprise, absorbed almost all the details from my summaries of each class. So, I really just want to be sure he's as excited as I am to be doing this.

I can not believe it!

Actually, I can...because time never seems to slow down and everything always comes and goes so quickly in life. It's not a shock to me anymore but it still makes me sad.

To close the door on this segment of the process is such a sweet sorrow. I have gained knowledge and shared laughs with our class...recently I've been saying that even if I never fostered, I'm 10x more prepared to parent now than I was before.

Tonight is our last class.

I will certainly miss this group, maybe not the late night meetings without food, but definitely what each meeting held- the education, the bond, and the joy. The joy of fostering is now on the horizon and that's the sweet part of all this. To think, by the end of the month, we will be waiting for a placement!

I've got a lot to learn!

It is really hard to buy anything right now - we don't know what age or sex our first child will be but I wanted to shop so bad for some inspiration! I ended up buying a few items that I thought were pretty flexible.

- The sippy cup is mostly for a toddler and because I wanted to be prepared in case a child came hungry/thirsty.

- The Owl toy is in honor of my favorite small business, Laughing Owl Press. www.laughingowlpress.com (you can buy on etsy www.etsy.com/shop/laughingowlpress)

- The blankets were just super cute and I needed some inspiration for color and design for the room.

- And last but not least, the towel was what I was in search of! I knew I wanted a hooded duck towel because what baby girl or boy wouldn't look cute wrapped up as a ducky. I almost returned it and I'll tell you why...

The towel said "full size" and it was all bundled up when I purchased it so I didn't think too much of it until I opened it...I expected this "FULL SIZE" towel(imagine the "full" size towel that I've been using for the past, oh I don't know, 20+ years) to cascade out so when the towel fell out and barely looked larger than a tea towel I immediately checked the package. Shoot, did I get the wrong thing. WHAT?! "Full Size" That's all there is to this towel?

I obviously have a lot to learn about the proportion of little ones!

...now I'm figuring I ought to apply this new lesson on proportion to everything!(Thank God I've gotten this lesson now, imagine how detrimental it could be if I stuck our child down in front of a dinner plate size proportion of chicken and potatoes and made them eat the whole thing?!)

Man, it felt weird...

...to shop and make my first "baby" purchase!

Panel Night

So, skipping a review of last weeks meeting (which I will eventually get back to) I can't wait to explain what panel night was like!

We hosted a panel of 7 people who are actively involved in the foster care system. First, a representative from the court spoke about the legal aspects and the decisions he has to make as a judge (like terminating parental rights). Then they went clockwise around the group- a foster parent of 0-5, a 17 year old child in foster care, her therapeutic foster mother, another foster mother, her adopted child, and a young lady who's mother fostered in their home during her college years.

Thankfully, for our benefit, the experiences were varied. It was inspiring because even given the varied experiences, the sentiment was the same across the board- You go into this for the children, but you end up feeling as blessed, rewarded, and loved by them as they do by you. Each of the three foster parents had a passion for it, you could sense it while they talked.

Each of them had placements that worked and some that didn't. But even given that, there was little negativity or hesitation about doing it. Each of them struggled at times with the birth parent connection because of how it related to the health and well-being of the child.

I got a good sense that the DSS offers more than adequate support and that they're as much cheerleaders for you as advocates for children.

I can honestly say that I can.not.wait. to do this. I have days of hesitation...but they don't relate to whether or not I have a passion for this, my hesitation is simply because we're planning to add children to our lives...and that's a HUGE step.

Alert!

They told us Tuesday that the home-study can happen any.day.now. (ahhh!) We just need to call and schedule!

Our child's room is almost ready. scratch that. WHERE DID TIME GO?! We need to start on the room!

Here is a picture of the current state of emergency:

Another perspective

Sometimes we form opinions and can't always think our way around them without a little help.

There are options for support throughout the fostering/adopting process. We have to decide where to go to get the best and most constructive help. I've found some online message boards, they're good but they are no where near as good as talking to my husband, our MAPP class leaders, close friends, or family.

My husband always talks to me in an understanding way. He's always good to acknowledge that he understands my point of view or feelings and then does a great job of offering an alternative or telling me i'm being closed minded. I appreciate him telling me this because 1. I don't want to approach people, who don't know me and get me, with attitude or opinions that may be hurtful to them and 2. he's the only person who can really get me to change.

Then there are our MAPP class leaders who I totally trust to be straight forward with me. I respect their knowledge and advice that they offer in our classes. Their expertise in the foster care system is worth so much to me, I'm about to get into something that they have had years of experience in and that I've had what- a whole 30 hours of classroom training in. I like that they make it feel like we're going to work as a team. They'll respect us as long as we respect them...there's no better foundation for a partnership.

Close friends and family have been there to support me, talk through situations, think and dream with me, and tell me when I'm being silly. The thinking and dreaming has been the best...no one knows where this journey will lead, but knowing that friends and family care...that makes it all worthwhile.

Internet message boards have offered first hand personal experiences on fostering. Unfortunately, people react very quickly when you are looking for help. A lot of advice, comments, and sometimes opinions are formed in the heat of the moment online, even I am guilty as charged at times. You definitely have to have a thick skin to work through some of the comments that are made or at least know yourself well enough to brush off what could be hurtful. Ultimately, I appreciate the advice, knowledge, friendship that these online friends offer. I think you have to remember with this support group that you haven't had the time to develop a common level of friendship with each person who may comment and so they don't know where you are coming from and visa versa. That said, there's a lot to be found on the internet these days, friendships are one of them.

I know this seems like a post out of nowhere but I think it's helpful to identify these groups and their individual role and presence in your life while going through fostering/adopting.

Do I love "it" more than family?

I ended my last post with this question. It was rhetorical, yes...but it brings me to what our class was about this week.

This week we did another guided activity that was really powerful in the way it made me think and feel.

We started class by listing the things that form individual identity. Things that are a large part of ones life like culture, family, church, education, friends, community, etc... We discussed these for a little while- you know all hypothetically speaking.

Then it got personal.

We were given five sticky notes. We were told to write down five things that identify us- five of the biggest things that define who we are, five of the largest parts of our life. I wrote my five down, struggling a little bit. Community, Neighbors, Church, Pets, Family. Then.....then, I was asked to let go of one. Drop one sticky note on the floor. Except, it wasn't that simple. You weren't just dropping one sticky note, you were dropping a piece of who you are. Why did you let go of that one thing first? How did it feel to let go of that one thing?

I dropped community first. I looked at community as a place. I can learn to live and love in a new place, as long as I still have my neighbors, church, pets, and family.

Then, we had to drop one more.

I let go of neighbors. This might have been unfair as my neighbors, who we love, go to our church too. Honestly, I just didn't know how to let go of one more thing.

Then, we had to drop one more.

I dropped church. My pets are my kids, there was no way I want to be separated from them without knowing they're getting taken care of, without getting to see them, or worse...knowing another family would be loving them.

At this point a guy in our class shared the two sticky notes he had left, family and faith. All I could think was thank God I didn't write faith. Church was a place to worship- a group of people- and while "letting go of them" was hard, I still felt like I could have my "faith."

It was amazing what the activity was able to make us realize. In the end, we had to drop everything. There went my pets, there went my family...I was now a child in foster care.

So to ask, do I love my profession, my community, my activities more than my family. I'd say NO. I realized, if not through this exercise than certainly over the weekend, how important family is.

Baby looks good on me

This is my cousin Orin's baby. He's handsome and content and would make anyone want 3 more.

This weekend was full of family festivities. If you don't know this about me, I love hanging out with my family more than anything. Weddings have been the excuse lately to get together and there isn't a better reason. It's funny though, I don't see my Aunt and Uncle or cousin Andy and his two children (one of which is my Godson) very often at all and we only live 30 miles apart. This weekend was the first time we've see each other in 4 months and we had to travel 5 hours north.

The more I think about what it means to be building our family, the more I want to put aside all the other things that keep me busy on weeknights and weekends and just use that time to hang out with my parents, my in-laws, my brothers, and my cousins. This weekend stressed the importance of being a part of a large, loving family.

I wonder why I spend so much time with people on committees or in my professional life, people who go home, don't have any attachment to me, and who hardly know me. I know I love what I do professionally, but...do I love it more than family?

Discipline

All parents have a different approach or view on disciplining (punishing) a child. I'm not a parent yet, so I don't have an approach...but what may work for one child, won't for another. So in a sense, not having experience, or expectations for how a child will react to discipline, is a strength. I expect to rely and focus on the child's behavior and response to discipline in order to punish effectively {without scaring the child}. It's important that parents, who may be quick to discipline a child in foster care with the same method that they discipline their own child and expect the same results, realize that a child in foster care's response and understanding of the punishment may be so, so different.

Children in foster care come from all kinds of backgrounds and all kinds of situations. Regardless, all children react differently to each measure of discipline.

The core point of the class this week is that we need to address the behavior of our child with an appropriate method of discipline (and an approved method: spanking, hitting, refusing food, etc. are against the law when fostering).

We were presented with 15 methods of discipline and, even if we don't end up fostering a child, I feel 15 times more prepared for having children biologically.

We're getting attached

We are growing more attached to our group in each meeting. Laughing over our "acting" and sharing our fears are just two of the reasons the past 12 hours of training have been meaningful.

And as meaningful as that is, I still want to share what we're going through with everyone outside of the class. I want you all to understand what it is like to go through this process. More importantly, to understand what it's like for a child to go through this process.

We all participated in an imagery activity. It was powerful, gut-wrenching, and saddening.

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Close your eyes.
Picture your home, your favorite things, the people and pets with you, the smells
Picture yourself in your home, in your favorite room
There's a knock on the door
There is a Person of Authority at your door, telling you they're taking you to a new home today
You have 30 minutes and a trash bag
You can't pack people or pets, your bed or your favorite wall poster
It's time to go.
While walking away you look back and see your family watching you go
You're in the car on the way to this new house with new people
This new family is EXCITED to have you come
They've been planning to have someone for a while now and they're so excited your finally on the way
You get to the new house, it's nothing like your old home
The neighborhood is different, the house looks different, the people are different
The Person of Authority walks you to the front door
They knock
A family opens the door and they're all smiling, welcoming you in
You ask the Person of Authority before they leave when you will get to see your old family and they say they aren't exactly sure, but another Person of Authority will be in touch with you soon

12 months go by, you've been with your new family for a year
You've had visits with your old family, but they became less frequent as time went on
You've had many good times and a few bad times that you've worked through
You like the new family, you're attached to them

The Person of Authority knocks on the door of your new home
It's time to leave again
You're going back to your old home
You have more time to pack and say goodbye this time
You're walking to the car and you look back to see the family, who you've spent the last year with, watching you leave
You arrive at your old home
It's a much different neighborhood, a different house, and a different life than the past year

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Being guided through this imagery really made me realize what it feels like from the perspective of a child. The thing is, children love their families, regardless of how bad the situation, because it's all they know. The ability of a child to become attached to your family is key to what makes foster care a positive experience. Once they get over the initial hurdle of being hurt, scared, and alone, they can bond with you. They will be able to grow and thrive under your care. You will be able to show them how to trust, to teach them how to live, to guide them with love.

Where can I buy more free time?!

...and can I get it on discount???

Actually, the question I should ask is, is life always this busy?

Basically, we will have to adjust our schedules if a child joins this family. We might even have to give up some things. Right now I think the biggest question to "are we willing to do this?" is "are we willing to let go of OUR personal schedules?"

Do we have to "give up" our time though?

I hope not. I'm kind of anxious to find new ways of doing all the things we love with a kid. I can't wait to teach our kid[s?] about all the things that interest us. I can't wait to explore the world with our kid[s?], through our kid [s?] eyes.

I think I've heard other couples say that it is possible- to continue doing the things you love post-kid. I know there are others proving it possible (I hope they're just not some breed of super parent). So, how do you find time for all the things you loved pre-kid?!

Session 3 - Losses and Gains

I've never believed in having regrets.

(...but I think I realized after this session, I've just never had the type of life experiences where regretting my actions was required for healing)

I have always believed I've grown more mature, stronger, and enlightened through each experience I've had. So, I'm a believer in gains. With each loss there is always a gain, I get that. But what I've neglected to put thought into is, that without grieving a loss, I can't truly realize the gain.

In foster care or any kind of adoption situation, the child is dealing with a loss (many losses). The child will feel with their gut and not with their brain. They won't be able to intellectualize their situations, they'll will just react based on what they feel. This means there are behaviors associated with their stages of grief.

I've had losses in my life. Moving from PA to a town in Southwest VA was a loss for me. I lost having a connection to my extended family and growing up immersed in the culture my family was familiar with. I've always focused on the gains from the situation, thinking about how I would've never met my best friend in elementary school if we had never moved down to VA. Focusing on how the seasons in VA are much more temperate than PA and thinking how great that was for being outdoors. I don't regret having that change in my life, but I do need to grieve the loss.

The stages of loss include:

shock/denial
pain/guilt
anger/bargaining
denial/depression
acceptance/understanding

Children in foster care might move through these stages at different paces. The important thing, as foster parents, is that we recognize their feelings and allow them to grieve. We need to help them through the process, not stop them in one stage or let them get stuck in one stage, but to help them work all the way through it.

Where?

Where are we in life?


We've been married for 3 years now and together around 7. We made a decision to move to a more rural area to be close to family and to enjoy the quietness outside of the cities we love. The cities welcome us pretty often as we spend a lot of time being active, getting involved, and just enjoying what they have to offer...but it is always nice to come back home to our quiet little town on the river.

It's nice to be where we are in life and location. Our location offer's us river access within minutes for kayaking and lightly traveled roads for our newest hobby, cycling. We are involved in church and are hoping to see it grow in the next few years. Our neighbors couldn't be better and our friends are within walking distance.

We've bought the house, got the cat and dog, own two vehicles, and each have our career. Does that make us ready?
No.

I think what makes us ready is our lifestyle, our beliefs, and our commitment to each other. We love people. I fall in love with people much too easily. Our neighbors have become family, we don't clean our house anymore just because our friends are coming over, and we appreciate the people we work with.

It's still scary, to move into another phase in life. I think this is what attracts me, in particular, to fostering because, we're not alone in caring for a child, the DSS is behind us and supporting us 100%.

The 5 W's

Who?

What?

Where?

When?

Why?

I've answered the Who? question. So, to get into more detail about the What? question...

Obviously, from previous posts you can gather that we're taking classes with the local Department of Social Services to become licensed foster/adoptive parents.

I don't feel a strong desire to get pregnant right now, but I have a very intense desire to care for a child. This is a strange feeling to have, based on what i've experienced in society because as a woman, typically, the two go hand in hand. I don't think that has to be the case though and I see fostering/adopting as a way of living a life committed to something larger than ourselves.

Fostering a child will open our lives up to an experience that can not compare to any other, an experience that will change us completely (in, hopefully, very positive ways). We want to foster a baby and/or toddler. Fostering to adopt would be the best situation we could get however, the goal for most children, taken into custody as children of the state, is to be reunited with their birth family. While this will be the most difficult thing to deal with emotionally- seeing a child grow, becoming a positive influence and example, and then reuniting that child (saying goodbye) with their birth family- I am sure that, together, we can do this.

Because together, we're not afraid to try new adventures.

Together, we've taken on the responsibility of this guy.

And together, we've made the biggest purchase of our lives...

Family Profile

It was the first of our 10 week sessions. The room was bright, warm, and a tight fit for the 15 people in it. We sat patiently and quietly until the leader stepped up. Well, all of us, except one gentleman. He had a deep voice, strong laugh, and an ability to break the silence we all wanted reprieve from with his jovial personality....

Sounds like the start of a novel, right?! Honestly, getting involved in this seems a little like we're just actors playing our part in some story. It's a story who's back cover I haven't read. I'm not sure exactly what the plot is, who the main characters are, and what I anticipate the ending to be.

Sort of, surreal.

The husband and I are working on a lot of paperwork after the first session. The class itself focused on looking at the strengths and needs of an individual child and of ourselves (parents). Needs, not weaknesses (this was a very important point). We talked slightly about the plan that the Dept. of Social Services develops for each child. We did a get to know each other activity and some child/parent role playing.

Overall, the class was good, but I was excited to be there and had a positive outlook regardless. One of our leaders is excellent. Unfortunately, the other person teaching the class is dull, not very engaging, and somewhat awkward....oh well, there are a lot of those people in life. I've learned coping mechanisms, just like the gentleman who was coping with the awkward silence of our group at the beginning by making us all laugh....I hope he gets a sandwich next time (the meeting was right at dinner time and the poor guy was starving).

The First Meeting

I was anxious (and excited) about tonight's orientation meeting. Did I have any idea what to expect? Nope.

No one did apparently. I definitely got the feeling we weren't and aren't alone in the process. There was a mixture of "I won't tell anyone I saw you here if you don't tell them you saw me" and "can you tell us what the average age of a child is?" and "you will be shocked by some of the things going on in the homes of these children."

I was very surprised (secretly excited) to see two other couples, around our age, in attendance and beyond them a room full of anxious others. I hope they stick around. I can see where this group will become a huge support system. I know your family is supposed to be where you draw your strength, but these people...going through this with us...they're going to understand.

And the most shocking part, my husband asked a question. the only man in the room to speak. Yeah, we're doing this.

I won't have Tuesday nights free for the next 10 weeks...and I couldn't be happier.

Tomorrow...

...is the orientation meeting where we will find out the details of working with the local Department of Social Services to become foster parents.

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There's one question that I can not stand that people have asked since we've been married- "When are you going to start a family?" The question itself is meant to be harmless...but for me, I have a family. I've had a family. The family my husband and I are building started the day we got married. Even without kids we are a family. We're a husband, a wife, a cat and a dog. So please, don't ask when I'm going to "start" a family, because I have one...and it's pretty effin' awesome.

But it does make me think..."when?"...Is there ever really a good time to add to the family?

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I'm glad we're just jumping in, head first, it's kind of the way we do things around here.

The 5 W's

Who?
What?
Where?
When?
Why?

These questions will be answered, in due time.
Let's start with- Who?

A couple, in the latter half of their 20s, thinking about fostering and adoption...before ever trying to have children biologically (What? Why?)

This post comes prior to any training, any meetings, any final decisions...

To track the process from beginning to...well....wherever it may take us.

So far, we've talked between ourselves and purchased one book.

The conversation went like this
the wife - "Would you ever consider adoption?"
the husband - "I don't know, maybe"
the wife - "What about fostering?"
the husband - "I don't know, maybe"
the wife - "Well, I really feel like it's something I am being called to do. You know how easily I love people, I know that we could love any child God put in our family"
the husband - "Ok...yeah, I agree"
the wife - "Let's at least think about fostering to adopt. There's an orientation for the 10 week training on September 9th, will you be willing to do that?"
the husband - "Yes."

The book is called "You Can Adopt, An Adoptive Families Guide" by Susan Caughman and Isolde Motley