Alert!

They told us Tuesday that the home-study can happen any.day.now. (ahhh!) We just need to call and schedule!

Our child's room is almost ready. scratch that. WHERE DID TIME GO?! We need to start on the room!

Here is a picture of the current state of emergency:

Another perspective

Sometimes we form opinions and can't always think our way around them without a little help.

There are options for support throughout the fostering/adopting process. We have to decide where to go to get the best and most constructive help. I've found some online message boards, they're good but they are no where near as good as talking to my husband, our MAPP class leaders, close friends, or family.

My husband always talks to me in an understanding way. He's always good to acknowledge that he understands my point of view or feelings and then does a great job of offering an alternative or telling me i'm being closed minded. I appreciate him telling me this because 1. I don't want to approach people, who don't know me and get me, with attitude or opinions that may be hurtful to them and 2. he's the only person who can really get me to change.

Then there are our MAPP class leaders who I totally trust to be straight forward with me. I respect their knowledge and advice that they offer in our classes. Their expertise in the foster care system is worth so much to me, I'm about to get into something that they have had years of experience in and that I've had what- a whole 30 hours of classroom training in. I like that they make it feel like we're going to work as a team. They'll respect us as long as we respect them...there's no better foundation for a partnership.

Close friends and family have been there to support me, talk through situations, think and dream with me, and tell me when I'm being silly. The thinking and dreaming has been the best...no one knows where this journey will lead, but knowing that friends and family care...that makes it all worthwhile.

Internet message boards have offered first hand personal experiences on fostering. Unfortunately, people react very quickly when you are looking for help. A lot of advice, comments, and sometimes opinions are formed in the heat of the moment online, even I am guilty as charged at times. You definitely have to have a thick skin to work through some of the comments that are made or at least know yourself well enough to brush off what could be hurtful. Ultimately, I appreciate the advice, knowledge, friendship that these online friends offer. I think you have to remember with this support group that you haven't had the time to develop a common level of friendship with each person who may comment and so they don't know where you are coming from and visa versa. That said, there's a lot to be found on the internet these days, friendships are one of them.

I know this seems like a post out of nowhere but I think it's helpful to identify these groups and their individual role and presence in your life while going through fostering/adopting.

Do I love "it" more than family?

I ended my last post with this question. It was rhetorical, yes...but it brings me to what our class was about this week.

This week we did another guided activity that was really powerful in the way it made me think and feel.

We started class by listing the things that form individual identity. Things that are a large part of ones life like culture, family, church, education, friends, community, etc... We discussed these for a little while- you know all hypothetically speaking.

Then it got personal.

We were given five sticky notes. We were told to write down five things that identify us- five of the biggest things that define who we are, five of the largest parts of our life. I wrote my five down, struggling a little bit. Community, Neighbors, Church, Pets, Family. Then.....then, I was asked to let go of one. Drop one sticky note on the floor. Except, it wasn't that simple. You weren't just dropping one sticky note, you were dropping a piece of who you are. Why did you let go of that one thing first? How did it feel to let go of that one thing?

I dropped community first. I looked at community as a place. I can learn to live and love in a new place, as long as I still have my neighbors, church, pets, and family.

Then, we had to drop one more.

I let go of neighbors. This might have been unfair as my neighbors, who we love, go to our church too. Honestly, I just didn't know how to let go of one more thing.

Then, we had to drop one more.

I dropped church. My pets are my kids, there was no way I want to be separated from them without knowing they're getting taken care of, without getting to see them, or worse...knowing another family would be loving them.

At this point a guy in our class shared the two sticky notes he had left, family and faith. All I could think was thank God I didn't write faith. Church was a place to worship- a group of people- and while "letting go of them" was hard, I still felt like I could have my "faith."

It was amazing what the activity was able to make us realize. In the end, we had to drop everything. There went my pets, there went my family...I was now a child in foster care.

So to ask, do I love my profession, my community, my activities more than my family. I'd say NO. I realized, if not through this exercise than certainly over the weekend, how important family is.

Baby looks good on me

This is my cousin Orin's baby. He's handsome and content and would make anyone want 3 more.

This weekend was full of family festivities. If you don't know this about me, I love hanging out with my family more than anything. Weddings have been the excuse lately to get together and there isn't a better reason. It's funny though, I don't see my Aunt and Uncle or cousin Andy and his two children (one of which is my Godson) very often at all and we only live 30 miles apart. This weekend was the first time we've see each other in 4 months and we had to travel 5 hours north.

The more I think about what it means to be building our family, the more I want to put aside all the other things that keep me busy on weeknights and weekends and just use that time to hang out with my parents, my in-laws, my brothers, and my cousins. This weekend stressed the importance of being a part of a large, loving family.

I wonder why I spend so much time with people on committees or in my professional life, people who go home, don't have any attachment to me, and who hardly know me. I know I love what I do professionally, but...do I love it more than family?

Discipline

All parents have a different approach or view on disciplining (punishing) a child. I'm not a parent yet, so I don't have an approach...but what may work for one child, won't for another. So in a sense, not having experience, or expectations for how a child will react to discipline, is a strength. I expect to rely and focus on the child's behavior and response to discipline in order to punish effectively {without scaring the child}. It's important that parents, who may be quick to discipline a child in foster care with the same method that they discipline their own child and expect the same results, realize that a child in foster care's response and understanding of the punishment may be so, so different.

Children in foster care come from all kinds of backgrounds and all kinds of situations. Regardless, all children react differently to each measure of discipline.

The core point of the class this week is that we need to address the behavior of our child with an appropriate method of discipline (and an approved method: spanking, hitting, refusing food, etc. are against the law when fostering).

We were presented with 15 methods of discipline and, even if we don't end up fostering a child, I feel 15 times more prepared for having children biologically.

We're getting attached

We are growing more attached to our group in each meeting. Laughing over our "acting" and sharing our fears are just two of the reasons the past 12 hours of training have been meaningful.

And as meaningful as that is, I still want to share what we're going through with everyone outside of the class. I want you all to understand what it is like to go through this process. More importantly, to understand what it's like for a child to go through this process.

We all participated in an imagery activity. It was powerful, gut-wrenching, and saddening.

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Close your eyes.
Picture your home, your favorite things, the people and pets with you, the smells
Picture yourself in your home, in your favorite room
There's a knock on the door
There is a Person of Authority at your door, telling you they're taking you to a new home today
You have 30 minutes and a trash bag
You can't pack people or pets, your bed or your favorite wall poster
It's time to go.
While walking away you look back and see your family watching you go
You're in the car on the way to this new house with new people
This new family is EXCITED to have you come
They've been planning to have someone for a while now and they're so excited your finally on the way
You get to the new house, it's nothing like your old home
The neighborhood is different, the house looks different, the people are different
The Person of Authority walks you to the front door
They knock
A family opens the door and they're all smiling, welcoming you in
You ask the Person of Authority before they leave when you will get to see your old family and they say they aren't exactly sure, but another Person of Authority will be in touch with you soon

12 months go by, you've been with your new family for a year
You've had visits with your old family, but they became less frequent as time went on
You've had many good times and a few bad times that you've worked through
You like the new family, you're attached to them

The Person of Authority knocks on the door of your new home
It's time to leave again
You're going back to your old home
You have more time to pack and say goodbye this time
You're walking to the car and you look back to see the family, who you've spent the last year with, watching you leave
You arrive at your old home
It's a much different neighborhood, a different house, and a different life than the past year

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Being guided through this imagery really made me realize what it feels like from the perspective of a child. The thing is, children love their families, regardless of how bad the situation, because it's all they know. The ability of a child to become attached to your family is key to what makes foster care a positive experience. Once they get over the initial hurdle of being hurt, scared, and alone, they can bond with you. They will be able to grow and thrive under your care. You will be able to show them how to trust, to teach them how to live, to guide them with love.

Where can I buy more free time?!

...and can I get it on discount???

Actually, the question I should ask is, is life always this busy?

Basically, we will have to adjust our schedules if a child joins this family. We might even have to give up some things. Right now I think the biggest question to "are we willing to do this?" is "are we willing to let go of OUR personal schedules?"

Do we have to "give up" our time though?

I hope not. I'm kind of anxious to find new ways of doing all the things we love with a kid. I can't wait to teach our kid[s?] about all the things that interest us. I can't wait to explore the world with our kid[s?], through our kid [s?] eyes.

I think I've heard other couples say that it is possible- to continue doing the things you love post-kid. I know there are others proving it possible (I hope they're just not some breed of super parent). So, how do you find time for all the things you loved pre-kid?!