March 19, 2011
March 17, 2012
Accidentally captured this comparison.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Monday, April 9, 2012
Another First
One year ago yesterday Snarkles smiled at us, responsively, for the first time. Easter day, 2011.
I could not imagine our future at the time. Yesterday, I looked at her...really just took the time to LOOK at her...to see her at this age and to notice all her little features.
And I realized, that next year, no matter what, I will have that image of her.
John 16:22
...and no one will take away your joy.
I could not imagine our future at the time. Yesterday, I looked at her...really just took the time to LOOK at her...to see her at this age and to notice all her little features.
And I realized, that next year, no matter what, I will have that image of her.
John 16:22
...and no one will take away your joy.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Not just managing.
We're thriving.
If you know me, you know I read blogs like crazy. I keep quite a few on Google Reader, have other's that I visit less frequently but still often, or find random ones and read through stories of people's lives that I have never met. I recently stumbled here.
Her writing is excellent (it ought to be, she's an English major/teacher). But more importantly, her ability to convey her thoughts is beyond excellent and her personality is full of depth.
I have to say though, this isn't the first blog post that I have read about working mothers. It is especially not the first about working mother's strife. But in truth, I can not relate to them.
Sure things are unfinished at home, hectic at times, and just busy in general. BUT.THAT'S.OK. Those feelings don't overwhelm me or harbor resentment for me.
I think we need to take a step back from keeping up with the Jones because I believe that's all these posts are about. My response to reading this and to how I overcome this "strife" is as follows...
My Domestic Managing
#1 I've realized that if everything has a "home" and makes it's way there by the end of using it/the end of the day...it's not that difficult to keep everything straightened up. It also means that we're not spending hours looking for things that we need, we know exactly where to find it.
#2 Hire help. I'm not embarrassed to say that not only do I not have time to clean my toilets, but I do not want to clean my toilets. Every other week we pay some wonderful ladies to tackle this part of our house cleaning duties. AND.THERE.IS.NOTHING.WRONG.WITH.THAT! This is not a luxury I grew up with but it is an example of solving a problem to the constant complaint that working mother's have to do it all. Instead of sitting here and complaining that i'm spending too much time cleaning...I'm sitting here telling you that I'm paying for extra time with our baby girl. I feel no obligation to cleaning over spending time with her. I could care less if there are nightly dishes that don't get done and sit in the sink. Which leads me to #3 Loosen up on the expectations you place on yourself and you'll feel so much more happy with where you are in life.
On Motherhood, Work, and Time
It's amazing how much Snarkles has learned from us and it's amazing how much she learns while in daycare. She is a social butterfly and it's a good thing for her to be around the other children. She's learning skills that if at home with me, she wouldn't get. I, personally, could not stay at home everyday, all day, week in, and week out, with just her. I love her to death, but I believe that as long as we inspire her and create memories with her during the hours of the day that she's with us, our mother daughter/father daughter/family bond is as strong as steel.
However, just before Snarkles first birthday I took a risk in my career. I asked for additional time off. Sure, I LOVE being a career woman but I felt like I needed more time at home...so, instead of whining about how little time I get with her, I asked the bosses for a reduced schedule. Justin and I didn't work out the finances or talk in depth about the risks...making the discussion that much more nerve-wracking...instead, Justin just said, do it. And we're months into my new schedule and I couldn't be happier. Friday afternoons with my baby leading into two full weekend days- fill my heart. At work, it hasn't decreased my productivity or ability to perform. The extra 4 hours that I'm at home and not at work are not critical to success, even if my peers are putting in 4 hours more than those 4 hours. I've realized that I can generally predict when a fire will need to be put out on a project and that there is no real work fire that can't wait until Monday morning. If you say "but I can't do that" I would say that if I felt like I wasn't getting the time with her because I work 8-5, 5 days a week, with only an hour for lunch - you better believe that I'd spend that lunch hour with her at the daycare instead of out with coworkers. In essence, you have to make the most of the time you have. If you want the career, or need the career financially, you simply have to make the most of your time and stop harping on what you don't have.
Regarding personal interests and my husband {who is a personal interest}
Sure, I will admit that there is less time to pursue personal interests. There are not as many opportunities for my husband and I to do one of our favorite 30 mile bike rides on a Sunday afternoon and I resigned from a few committees and boards that I sat on. But, I don't feel so left out because of it. I feel like I am just opening myself up to a new interest. I feel like Snarkles is a personal interest, otherwise- why else would we have her?! And, at this time in life, she's the priority. Besides, talking with her is a whole lot less complicated than voting yes for one decision as a board of 16 individuals. Seriously though, we're a team in this. My husband and I support each other in our interests and if it's truly an interest...it shouldn't feel like a burden on your time. If I need or want to do something, we coordinate our schedules and it means Snarkles get's some Daddy time alone...which isn't such a bad thing. Call me an optimist. Truthfully, now, having Snarkles, creates new adventures for us as husband and wife. It's amazing how we're now doing new things together {like conquering the pack-n-play, sitting around the bathtub giving her a bath, figuring out how to tie the moby wrap} and still doing a lot of the same old stuff {like hanging out with friends, watching tv shows, working on house renovations} too.
So, it is all about how you frame it. If everything is seen negatively or you let stress rule your interactions and decision, you won't be able to be happy. You won't focus on the positive because you are too worried about the negative stuff. Let it go. Really, it's ok to just let go of the worry, of the chores, and of the expectations. The Jones don't have it together, you just see them as an out {"If only I could have this or be like this or do this...I would be happy"} but you aren't the Jones and you can't be them...so you have to make the most your life.
I say all of this and you might think "this chick isn't successful and probably lives a messy life" but that's the farthest from the truth. I'm still very successful in my career, I wash and dry my hair everyday, and can coordinate an event like no other...so please, let go of whatever it is that is creating this feeling of failure in your life as a mom, working mom, career woman, wife, friend, sister, daughter. We are not a crazy breed of person. We're all, simply, unique individuals. Wear your life as it suits you best.
PS: Just a quick note to say that this is one of my better posts that illustrates that becoming a first time parent via fostering is no different than any other route. Foster parents's go through these same issues and I believe it's all a matter of how you view life.
If you know me, you know I read blogs like crazy. I keep quite a few on Google Reader, have other's that I visit less frequently but still often, or find random ones and read through stories of people's lives that I have never met. I recently stumbled here.
Her writing is excellent (it ought to be, she's an English major/teacher). But more importantly, her ability to convey her thoughts is beyond excellent and her personality is full of depth.
I have to say though, this isn't the first blog post that I have read about working mothers. It is especially not the first about working mother's strife. But in truth, I can not relate to them.
Sure things are unfinished at home, hectic at times, and just busy in general. BUT.THAT'S.OK. Those feelings don't overwhelm me or harbor resentment for me.
I think we need to take a step back from keeping up with the Jones because I believe that's all these posts are about. My response to reading this and to how I overcome this "strife" is as follows...
My Domestic Managing
#1 I've realized that if everything has a "home" and makes it's way there by the end of using it/the end of the day...it's not that difficult to keep everything straightened up. It also means that we're not spending hours looking for things that we need, we know exactly where to find it.
#2 Hire help. I'm not embarrassed to say that not only do I not have time to clean my toilets, but I do not want to clean my toilets. Every other week we pay some wonderful ladies to tackle this part of our house cleaning duties. AND.THERE.IS.NOTHING.WRONG.WITH.THAT! This is not a luxury I grew up with but it is an example of solving a problem to the constant complaint that working mother's have to do it all. Instead of sitting here and complaining that i'm spending too much time cleaning...I'm sitting here telling you that I'm paying for extra time with our baby girl. I feel no obligation to cleaning over spending time with her. I could care less if there are nightly dishes that don't get done and sit in the sink. Which leads me to #3 Loosen up on the expectations you place on yourself and you'll feel so much more happy with where you are in life.
On Motherhood, Work, and Time
It's amazing how much Snarkles has learned from us and it's amazing how much she learns while in daycare. She is a social butterfly and it's a good thing for her to be around the other children. She's learning skills that if at home with me, she wouldn't get. I, personally, could not stay at home everyday, all day, week in, and week out, with just her. I love her to death, but I believe that as long as we inspire her and create memories with her during the hours of the day that she's with us, our mother daughter/father daughter/family bond is as strong as steel.
However, just before Snarkles first birthday I took a risk in my career. I asked for additional time off. Sure, I LOVE being a career woman but I felt like I needed more time at home...so, instead of whining about how little time I get with her, I asked the bosses for a reduced schedule. Justin and I didn't work out the finances or talk in depth about the risks...making the discussion that much more nerve-wracking...instead, Justin just said, do it. And we're months into my new schedule and I couldn't be happier. Friday afternoons with my baby leading into two full weekend days- fill my heart. At work, it hasn't decreased my productivity or ability to perform. The extra 4 hours that I'm at home and not at work are not critical to success, even if my peers are putting in 4 hours more than those 4 hours. I've realized that I can generally predict when a fire will need to be put out on a project and that there is no real work fire that can't wait until Monday morning. If you say "but I can't do that" I would say that if I felt like I wasn't getting the time with her because I work 8-5, 5 days a week, with only an hour for lunch - you better believe that I'd spend that lunch hour with her at the daycare instead of out with coworkers. In essence, you have to make the most of the time you have. If you want the career, or need the career financially, you simply have to make the most of your time and stop harping on what you don't have.
Regarding personal interests and my husband {who is a personal interest}
Sure, I will admit that there is less time to pursue personal interests. There are not as many opportunities for my husband and I to do one of our favorite 30 mile bike rides on a Sunday afternoon and I resigned from a few committees and boards that I sat on. But, I don't feel so left out because of it. I feel like I am just opening myself up to a new interest. I feel like Snarkles is a personal interest, otherwise- why else would we have her?! And, at this time in life, she's the priority. Besides, talking with her is a whole lot less complicated than voting yes for one decision as a board of 16 individuals. Seriously though, we're a team in this. My husband and I support each other in our interests and if it's truly an interest...it shouldn't feel like a burden on your time. If I need or want to do something, we coordinate our schedules and it means Snarkles get's some Daddy time alone...which isn't such a bad thing. Call me an optimist. Truthfully, now, having Snarkles, creates new adventures for us as husband and wife. It's amazing how we're now doing new things together {like conquering the pack-n-play, sitting around the bathtub giving her a bath, figuring out how to tie the moby wrap} and still doing a lot of the same old stuff {like hanging out with friends, watching tv shows, working on house renovations} too.
So, it is all about how you frame it. If everything is seen negatively or you let stress rule your interactions and decision, you won't be able to be happy. You won't focus on the positive because you are too worried about the negative stuff. Let it go. Really, it's ok to just let go of the worry, of the chores, and of the expectations. The Jones don't have it together, you just see them as an out {"If only I could have this or be like this or do this...I would be happy"} but you aren't the Jones and you can't be them...so you have to make the most your life.
I say all of this and you might think "this chick isn't successful and probably lives a messy life" but that's the farthest from the truth. I'm still very successful in my career, I wash and dry my hair everyday, and can coordinate an event like no other...so please, let go of whatever it is that is creating this feeling of failure in your life as a mom, working mom, career woman, wife, friend, sister, daughter. We are not a crazy breed of person. We're all, simply, unique individuals. Wear your life as it suits you best.
PS: Just a quick note to say that this is one of my better posts that illustrates that becoming a first time parent via fostering is no different than any other route. Foster parents's go through these same issues and I believe it's all a matter of how you view life.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Signs
What are the signs that your child is going to be left-handed?
Snarkles picks things up with both hands and really loves to have one item in each. But, there are also times people have noticed that she favors her left hand.
Last night, I let her hold the spoon to feed herself yogurt for the first time,
PAUSE:GASP
I know! We just let the 13.5 month old use a spoon for the first time, we are probably not as good parents as you or as smart as your child...right, well,
forgive me, but the mess wasn't worth it! and,
she totally knew how to use the spoon, the right way, the very first try...so, there is some evidence to an argument that waiting until a child is developmentally ready to do something versus months and months of habitually doing it the wrong way means they will still learn and thrive...that's not to say there wasn't a mess...
Anyway, my point is, she picked up and held the spoon with her left hand. Does this mean she's going to be left handed? Can you tell this early on?
What am I supposed to do?! I'm a right handed person...am I supposed to do things to encourage her to use her left hand, does it even matter...they didn't teach me this in fostering class!!!
Snarkles picks things up with both hands and really loves to have one item in each. But, there are also times people have noticed that she favors her left hand.
Last night, I let her hold the spoon to feed herself yogurt for the first time,
PAUSE:GASP
I know! We just let the 13.5 month old use a spoon for the first time, we are probably not as good parents as you or as smart as your child...right, well,
forgive me, but the mess wasn't worth it! and,
she totally knew how to use the spoon, the right way, the very first try...so, there is some evidence to an argument that waiting until a child is developmentally ready to do something versus months and months of habitually doing it the wrong way means they will still learn and thrive...that's not to say there wasn't a mess...
Anyway, my point is, she picked up and held the spoon with her left hand. Does this mean she's going to be left handed? Can you tell this early on?
What am I supposed to do?! I'm a right handed person...am I supposed to do things to encourage her to use her left hand, does it even matter...they didn't teach me this in fostering class!!!
Friday, March 16, 2012
Mixture of Emotions
I wish I was writing this with more CAPS and more exclamation points!!!!
I didn't train for this type of marathon. We can see the finish line...but we're not at the end. It's like we're running on flat land, where you can see 5 miles ahead...but you know it will take as much strength and effort of the last 21 miles to get there. I've never run a marathon but I imagine what those last 5 miles must feel like...
What happened yesterday? Well, we sat through some hard-to-hear cases and some really inspring testimony. Our case was heard! The bio-father testified. The paternal grandmother was present. The bio-mother was MIA, no surprise there. They never put our case worker on the stand, perhaps this would have been worthwhile? I don't know. It didn't happen so we won't ever know the whats/ifs and I will just let go of that.
The judge ruled to change the plan to adoption. In all my feelings, on everything else, I have neglected to realize how significant that is. It means the Termination of Parental Rights (TPR) proces will begin immediately. That will take a while, but TPR will happen. I should use more !!! here but it's just so sad that the bio-father still STILL doesn't accept that he's done anything wrong or that it's in Snarkles best future to be with us.
The court ordered a re-visit on the paternal grandmother's homestudy and set the next date 6 months out (standard review interval) for September.
I hate that I have thought about wishing away the next 6 months just to get to the "end." I don't want to wish away any of our time with Snarkles. What am I thinking, feeling this way?!
So, I'm going to vow, right now, to push the unsettled feelings away and not to worry any more. I will let these versus guide me through the next 6 months.
Matthew 6:34
Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
Luke 12:25
And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?
Psalm 55:22
Cast your burden on the LORD, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved
Philippians 4:6-7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Spring is on it's way and the analogy of that is pretty obvious. I am sure that same analogy, so often used, will apply to you too.
Together we will watch the world bloom before our eyes. Every time you see a new plant in bloom, please say a prayer for Snarkles. Every time I see one, I will say a prayer of thanks for you. You are amazing friends and family.
I didn't train for this type of marathon. We can see the finish line...but we're not at the end. It's like we're running on flat land, where you can see 5 miles ahead...but you know it will take as much strength and effort of the last 21 miles to get there. I've never run a marathon but I imagine what those last 5 miles must feel like...
What happened yesterday? Well, we sat through some hard-to-hear cases and some really inspring testimony. Our case was heard! The bio-father testified. The paternal grandmother was present. The bio-mother was MIA, no surprise there. They never put our case worker on the stand, perhaps this would have been worthwhile? I don't know. It didn't happen so we won't ever know the whats/ifs and I will just let go of that.
The judge ruled to change the plan to adoption. In all my feelings, on everything else, I have neglected to realize how significant that is. It means the Termination of Parental Rights (TPR) proces will begin immediately. That will take a while, but TPR will happen. I should use more !!! here but it's just so sad that the bio-father still STILL doesn't accept that he's done anything wrong or that it's in Snarkles best future to be with us.
The court ordered a re-visit on the paternal grandmother's homestudy and set the next date 6 months out (standard review interval) for September.
I hate that I have thought about wishing away the next 6 months just to get to the "end." I don't want to wish away any of our time with Snarkles. What am I thinking, feeling this way?!
So, I'm going to vow, right now, to push the unsettled feelings away and not to worry any more. I will let these versus guide me through the next 6 months.
Matthew 6:34
Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
Luke 12:25
And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?
Psalm 55:22
Cast your burden on the LORD, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved
Philippians 4:6-7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Spring is on it's way and the analogy of that is pretty obvious. I am sure that same analogy, so often used, will apply to you too.
Together we will watch the world bloom before our eyes. Every time you see a new plant in bloom, please say a prayer for Snarkles. Every time I see one, I will say a prayer of thanks for you. You are amazing friends and family.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Today
If you thought anxious or nervous might be how it would feel on a day like today, you wouldn't be totally off base. I'm very much feeling both of those.
I thought I would be more calm. I guess this is probably the more appropriate way to feel since today should be a huge day, deciding the course of Snarkles future.
Pray. Please.
I thought I would be more calm. I guess this is probably the more appropriate way to feel since today should be a huge day, deciding the course of Snarkles future.
Pray. Please.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
I can't think about anything else...
...but this little girl right now. One of my favorite things is watching her wake up. It's such a struggle to gain strength enough to lift her head (and I can totally relate to the feeling)!!! She's a morning girl though, once she's up, she's all smiles.
She also loves loves loves her Daddy and she prefers him to me for quite a few things but when it comes down to it, she's a Mommy's girl, through and through!
Monday, March 12, 2012
Oh, Snarkles!
We got a phone call Thursday, about 30 minutes before Daddy would be at the daycare to pick her up, that someone had fallen and hit her face (her eye - to be exact) on a toy. Awesome, guess what was on Friday morning...
Yeah, a visit. You try to explain a black eye in a situation like this to someone who had their child taken from them and was told that they were being well taken care of! Of course she is well taken care of and we all know this happens when babies are learning to walk. But, either way, sometimes, some people just want a fight. Thankfully, it didn't turn into a black eye over night!
No matter what, I hate sending her not looking her best.
She went, dressed in an outfit he gave her. It did look cute on her. He noticed and was happy. That makes me happy. It's hard to explain...but sometimes a little humanity goes a long way. I can only guess that's how we get through this the way we do. Sadly, I don't think he noticed all the other things...how she sings, or how she "dances" (wiggles and rocks) at music, or even how she walks and the second before she reaches you her excitement takes over and she nearly leaps onto you!
From what we've been told about his conversations, I really feel he wants what's best for her. He's been doing a lot of thinking and I'm just praying this Thursday ends way better than last.
They're recommending the plan change to adoption. My Mom and I will go to hear the case/be present and maybe even meet the paternal grandmother.
Yeah, a visit. You try to explain a black eye in a situation like this to someone who had their child taken from them and was told that they were being well taken care of! Of course she is well taken care of and we all know this happens when babies are learning to walk. But, either way, sometimes, some people just want a fight. Thankfully, it didn't turn into a black eye over night!
No matter what, I hate sending her not looking her best.
She went, dressed in an outfit he gave her. It did look cute on her. He noticed and was happy. That makes me happy. It's hard to explain...but sometimes a little humanity goes a long way. I can only guess that's how we get through this the way we do. Sadly, I don't think he noticed all the other things...how she sings, or how she "dances" (wiggles and rocks) at music, or even how she walks and the second before she reaches you her excitement takes over and she nearly leaps onto you!
From what we've been told about his conversations, I really feel he wants what's best for her. He's been doing a lot of thinking and I'm just praying this Thursday ends way better than last.
They're recommending the plan change to adoption. My Mom and I will go to hear the case/be present and maybe even meet the paternal grandmother.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Am I wrong?
For loving this little girl, so much.
Is there something you see that I don't about all of this?
Be honest with me. Maybe I'm not doing this right because, I can not support reunification or dragging this process out any longer.
Snarkles had another visit last week. From what I know, she was in obvious distress. So much so that the visit lasted only 30 minutes- because who can torture a child with a situation they don't want to be in for longer than that? - It's sad that she is forced into the situation for even that long.
Is there something you see that I don't about all of this?
Be honest with me. Maybe I'm not doing this right because, I can not support reunification or dragging this process out any longer.
Snarkles had another visit last week. From what I know, she was in obvious distress. So much so that the visit lasted only 30 minutes- because who can torture a child with a situation they don't want to be in for longer than that? - It's sad that she is forced into the situation for even that long.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Exhibits of Experience
From what I've read, the foster care system is very different from state to state. It even seems to vary a bit from county to county within the state.
I wanted to describe our experience and why I think the effort we have put into it has affected the experience. I think that it's the attitude that we choose to take that can make the process (ie. experience) either better or worse.
I've read a lot of negativity and downtrodden comments about the system, but, while I do believe there are issues, I think the system is doing justice for the children it serves.
Experience Exhibit A: We're not in large city
We were in a MAPP class with around 15 people, of those 15 I'm not sure exactly how many went on to become licensed. We got to know our MAPP leaders very well. Our MAPP leaders both worked for Social Services. One had been a foster parent for teenagers for quite some time.
I have since seen these ladies out in public and continue to stop and talk with them. They know us well and we feel like there is a special connection.
If I am ever near their offices (about 20 minutes away from our home), or there for another reason, I don't hesitate to stop in to say hello. Keeping in touch and caring about what's happening makes you feel a thousand times more connected.
Experience Exhibit B: We're not afraid to ask questions
Our licensing worker comes with Snarkles case worker every 3 months. They are so wonderful to coordinate the visits so that we don't have to leave work early too often. Everytime she comes, I ask her about the kids that have come into care. I ask her about the other foster parents we were licensed with. I ask her if they have had any new changes in the office. You would be amazed at how much conversation these topics bring up and how much we learn from starting with a simple question.
Focusing the conversation on things other than the trivial
"the parents missed that meeting, why?"
"you're kidding me, she said what?"
"they're living in that place!"
will really make the visit much more enjoyable.
Experience Exhibit C: We realize just how busy the case worker is
At first, I will admit, I expected more information and more contact from Social Services. But once my attitude toward that shifted from "I want and need to know now" to "what difference does it make if I know" I feel like our case worker has gone out of her way to be sure we know the important things. I now feel pleasantly surprised as opposed to always unimpressed. Truthfully, our case worker is trusting us with a lot of information. I have found that the information doesn't change anything and that I am not in control, so letting go...is the best thing we can do. We're in this to parent and care for a child, as long as they are safe and comfortable- I can let go of my "NEED TO KNOW" attitude.
Experience Exhibit D: Reserved Judgement
This is by far the hardest. We have to make a conscious effort not to engage in the conversations where bashing the biological parents occurs. Sure, we can see clearly that they are making bad decisions, but given their circumstances- we have to forgive them. Some people simply live in a different world, by a different code of decorum or ethic or right and wrong, and they can't rationalize life in the way that we do.
My Mom says that I am like my Dad, I see the good in people.
Being able to do this, it's the only way you can survive the system. Rarely will reunification be the best future these children can have, but it could be their future. Being able to see {and help the children see} the good in their future, that's what matters. It's their story to tell, their strife to overcome. As foster parents we get the chance to show them the code of decorum and ethic and right and wrong that they can live by. We show them that they can succeed in a world different from the one they know. We show them unconditional love. Love void of judgement and negativity.
We care for the children and those working to make their parents lives better- the social worker has a responsibility to the child and to the biological parents. They are charged with helping these families reunify, succeed, and learn to live in a better world.
By our own volunteering we've signed up to support the system.
Whether frustrated or not, I think more of us foster parents need to talk about the GOOD. We need to explain how we make it better and the reason the system is working. I want the world to support these children- not talk about how sad their situation is.
And, my promise, is to come back to these thoughts the next time I get sad or discouraged.
I wanted to describe our experience and why I think the effort we have put into it has affected the experience. I think that it's the attitude that we choose to take that can make the process (ie. experience) either better or worse.
I've read a lot of negativity and downtrodden comments about the system, but, while I do believe there are issues, I think the system is doing justice for the children it serves.
Experience Exhibit A: We're not in large city
We were in a MAPP class with around 15 people, of those 15 I'm not sure exactly how many went on to become licensed. We got to know our MAPP leaders very well. Our MAPP leaders both worked for Social Services. One had been a foster parent for teenagers for quite some time.
I have since seen these ladies out in public and continue to stop and talk with them. They know us well and we feel like there is a special connection.
If I am ever near their offices (about 20 minutes away from our home), or there for another reason, I don't hesitate to stop in to say hello. Keeping in touch and caring about what's happening makes you feel a thousand times more connected.
Experience Exhibit B: We're not afraid to ask questions
Our licensing worker comes with Snarkles case worker every 3 months. They are so wonderful to coordinate the visits so that we don't have to leave work early too often. Everytime she comes, I ask her about the kids that have come into care. I ask her about the other foster parents we were licensed with. I ask her if they have had any new changes in the office. You would be amazed at how much conversation these topics bring up and how much we learn from starting with a simple question.
Focusing the conversation on things other than the trivial
"the parents missed that meeting, why?"
"you're kidding me, she said what?"
"they're living in that place!"
will really make the visit much more enjoyable.
Experience Exhibit C: We realize just how busy the case worker is
At first, I will admit, I expected more information and more contact from Social Services. But once my attitude toward that shifted from "I want and need to know now" to "what difference does it make if I know" I feel like our case worker has gone out of her way to be sure we know the important things. I now feel pleasantly surprised as opposed to always unimpressed. Truthfully, our case worker is trusting us with a lot of information. I have found that the information doesn't change anything and that I am not in control, so letting go...is the best thing we can do. We're in this to parent and care for a child, as long as they are safe and comfortable- I can let go of my "NEED TO KNOW" attitude.
Experience Exhibit D: Reserved Judgement
This is by far the hardest. We have to make a conscious effort not to engage in the conversations where bashing the biological parents occurs. Sure, we can see clearly that they are making bad decisions, but given their circumstances- we have to forgive them. Some people simply live in a different world, by a different code of decorum or ethic or right and wrong, and they can't rationalize life in the way that we do.
My Mom says that I am like my Dad, I see the good in people.
Being able to do this, it's the only way you can survive the system. Rarely will reunification be the best future these children can have, but it could be their future. Being able to see {and help the children see} the good in their future, that's what matters. It's their story to tell, their strife to overcome. As foster parents we get the chance to show them the code of decorum and ethic and right and wrong that they can live by. We show them that they can succeed in a world different from the one they know. We show them unconditional love. Love void of judgement and negativity.
We care for the children and those working to make their parents lives better- the social worker has a responsibility to the child and to the biological parents. They are charged with helping these families reunify, succeed, and learn to live in a better world.
By our own volunteering we've signed up to support the system.
Whether frustrated or not, I think more of us foster parents need to talk about the GOOD. We need to explain how we make it better and the reason the system is working. I want the world to support these children- not talk about how sad their situation is.
And, my promise, is to come back to these thoughts the next time I get sad or discouraged.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
With time...
...I knew I'd get past that initial sadness of waiting another month. It might have helped that we went ahead to the hospital that night to meet Camyden (and he is beautiful, with a head full of the softest hair!) or that we engaged in some retail therapy over the weekend. Either way, I'm thankful to be here, here on the other side of the anxiousness and disappointment.
This week, is much like all the others- where we forget she isn't "ours." This week, we're watching her take her first unassisted steps! She is full of joy and excitement at mastering the challenge. She is certainly a child who works hard, gets it wrong (she tried out a "monkey walk" technique that just made us laugh), becomes frustrated along the way, but perseveres to conquer her goals. It's amazing to see her forming a personality. I'm so hopeful that she is a good example of this throughout her childhood that you might work hard to get it wrong but you keep going until you've accomplished it- and accomplished it well.
I want her not only to climb mountains, but to be the fittest on the way and the first to the top. I'm guessing every parent wants that for their child...
This week, is much like all the others- where we forget she isn't "ours." This week, we're watching her take her first unassisted steps! She is full of joy and excitement at mastering the challenge. She is certainly a child who works hard, gets it wrong (she tried out a "monkey walk" technique that just made us laugh), becomes frustrated along the way, but perseveres to conquer her goals. It's amazing to see her forming a personality. I'm so hopeful that she is a good example of this throughout her childhood that you might work hard to get it wrong but you keep going until you've accomplished it- and accomplished it well.
I want her not only to climb mountains, but to be the fittest on the way and the first to the top. I'm guessing every parent wants that for their child...
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Case Continued
To be 100% honest, I wasn't nervous/anxious/or excited for the day but now, hearing that we have to wait until the middle of March...I'm feeling a little sad and maybe disappointed.
I am learning a lot about the legal system and this process. I understand the decision to postpone but it still sucks.
We knew this was a possibility so I can't really put my finger on why it's hard news to hear- but I can only guess it's because we've been thinking back on our memories from a year ago. It's easy to remember the feeling of not knowing what the future holds. But, we do know how amazing things turned out. So, I know- time will heal and this feeling will pass.
Today isn't our day anyway- Justin's cousin welcomed his first child early this morning and we can't wait to go meet him.
I am learning a lot about the legal system and this process. I understand the decision to postpone but it still sucks.
We knew this was a possibility so I can't really put my finger on why it's hard news to hear- but I can only guess it's because we've been thinking back on our memories from a year ago. It's easy to remember the feeling of not knowing what the future holds. But, we do know how amazing things turned out. So, I know- time will heal and this feeling will pass.
Today isn't our day anyway- Justin's cousin welcomed his first child early this morning and we can't wait to go meet him.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
One Year
A year ago today, we became parents.
A year ago today, we had no clue what our future was going to look like.
{I could not have imagined a better year}
It won't actually be a year until just after 7pm tonight and I will spend most of today just remembering that moment, that moment when they first laid a baby in my lap. I will spend today trying to remember how tiny she felt and how snuggle-y she was.
I still can't believe anyone trusted a newborn baby to me. I tried to remember what they said about when to feed her, how much, what to watch for, what the doctors said, etc. but, all I could focus on was that things were becoming real.
I was so anxious and excited. Anxious to start the journey we had prepared for. Excited to love a baby. There were many serious things that never crossed our mind. Serious complications that a baby, born exposed to drugs, could have to deal with- it was never a matter of what we would have to deal with. Not mentally, emotionally, or physically. It was, from the beginning, a matter of PARENTING. We promised to parent a child who wasn't legally or biologically ours. And, {thanks to the glory of God} I think we've done one hell of a job parenting our first time around.
Truthfully though, we had no idea we would be so blessed in return. It has been an amazing year. One full of learning, growing, and loving. We don't just love her, she loves us. That is the most beautiful part of our first year as parents - it's not the sleepless nights, dirty diapers, decorating a nursery, or buying cute clothes - it is having a child love us back.
Tomorrow has the potential to be another huge day, if the case hearing isn't postponed another month. It seems inevitable now as to what is best for Snarkles future, but it's still undetermined by the court. While we appreciate any and all prayers, I'm asking that you keep her biological parents, especially the father, in your prayers as well.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
One Year
{Everyone says they can't believe how fast time passes. I realize, I can believe it}
You woke up so incredibly happy and smiley on your birthday. Daddy and I walked in to your room together to wake you, something we've never (or rarely at most) done. Aunt Andrea came in right behind us and your face lit up even more.
I think you knew it was your special day.
It's not that I can't believe your first birthday has come (and gone) it's that this whole thing seems like a dream.
I remember our moments from your first year like they are dreams from last night.
You are a bright eye'd bushy tailed girl. You love to climb and crawl and stand and fuss. You play with toys, but your sense of adventure in climbing and following outweighs your interest in them. You dance. You make noise.
Was that little baby from a year ago real? That's the hard thing to imagine. You, now, are so incredibly different than You, a year ago.
When I look at you, I can't picture You in a year, or two, or ten. Looking back at your pictures though, I see You. That's strange to me. You look just like you did as an infant...and even though you'll always look like her, I just can't imagine what you'll look like in the future. That's the beauty in life, I suppose. It means we must enjoy you NOW, because you are only the YOU you are today, right now.
It means we must enjoy you NOW, not because we might not have you in the future, because you are only the YOU you are today, right now. That's a critical point I should make, I don't feel this way because as a child in foster care your future with us is still undetermined, I feel this way because you are our beautiful little girl. You are ours, in heart and mind and many people follow this blog BECAUSE we are fostering, but what I say, I don't say because of the unknown. I say it, because we love you and loving You will always feel like a dream, come true.
Monday, January 23, 2012
A weekend night at home, but not alone
That's the beauty of having Snarkles...that I'm never home alone anymore.
Before, if I stayed home on a weekend night I seemed to get this feeling that I was not doing anything important or that I wasn't important, in those few cases where I knew everyone else was out but I wasn't invited. I felt like friends never understood me saying I just wanted to stay home, because- why, why be home alone when you could be out having a good time?
But, you can have a good time at home. It's where I have some of the BEST times. Either way, I was left feeling lame and unimportant. Now, staying home makes me feel like I'm doing the most important thing of all and I feel sorry for everyone else who has to go out to find a good time.
I am giving Snarkles stability, comfort, laughs, love, time, attention, and fun memories. In truth, she is giving me all of that in return. And I, for once in life, don't feel lame staying home on a Saturday night.
Sure, my husband went out for dinner, friends were out experiencing the world, fun events were being hosted, and I was simply at home but, I have never been less disappointed.
Before, if I stayed home on a weekend night I seemed to get this feeling that I was not doing anything important or that I wasn't important, in those few cases where I knew everyone else was out but I wasn't invited. I felt like friends never understood me saying I just wanted to stay home, because- why, why be home alone when you could be out having a good time?
But, you can have a good time at home. It's where I have some of the BEST times. Either way, I was left feeling lame and unimportant. Now, staying home makes me feel like I'm doing the most important thing of all and I feel sorry for everyone else who has to go out to find a good time.
I am giving Snarkles stability, comfort, laughs, love, time, attention, and fun memories. In truth, she is giving me all of that in return. And I, for once in life, don't feel lame staying home on a Saturday night.
Sure, my husband went out for dinner, friends were out experiencing the world, fun events were being hosted, and I was simply at home but, I have never been less disappointed.
Friday, January 20, 2012
4 + 2 = 6 = DONE
She's allowed these next two teeth that are coming through but after this I told her no more teeth.
It'll be ok, because she's so freaking cute that people won't even notice and she'll have 4 on the top which is practically all you need to see for a beautiful smile anyway!
Last night was a rough night for her. It's miserable to see her like that and even more miserable when we're sleep deprived but nothing we do comforts her enough to take away the pain. It went something like this, if I remember correctly
9:00pm
Baby Orajel
Tylenol
Bottle
1:30am
Repeat
3:30am
More Baby Orajel
Little Nose nasal rinse (that was gross)
_:__am, I was not coherent enough to notice the time, plus, I don't wear contacts at night...making this whole process THAT MUCH MORE INTERESTING
A little more Orajel
Walk around rocking baby
How long have we been walking, my back is hurting, boy, she's getting big..
Maybe a little more Orajel? Oh, wait, the directions say only four times a day, well technically it's night time and there are no maximum numbers for night time...
6:30am
She's asleep and I have to get up to shower, ugh
6:45am
She's wide awake...what was that, a power nap?
Happy Friday!
It'll be ok, because she's so freaking cute that people won't even notice and she'll have 4 on the top which is practically all you need to see for a beautiful smile anyway!
Last night was a rough night for her. It's miserable to see her like that and even more miserable when we're sleep deprived but nothing we do comforts her enough to take away the pain. It went something like this, if I remember correctly
9:00pm
Baby Orajel
Tylenol
Bottle
1:30am
Repeat
3:30am
More Baby Orajel
Little Nose nasal rinse (that was gross)
_:__am, I was not coherent enough to notice the time, plus, I don't wear contacts at night...making this whole process THAT MUCH MORE INTERESTING
A little more Orajel
Walk around rocking baby
How long have we been walking, my back is hurting, boy, she's getting big..
Maybe a little more Orajel? Oh, wait, the directions say only four times a day, well technically it's night time and there are no maximum numbers for night time...
6:30am
She's asleep and I have to get up to shower, ugh
6:45am
She's wide awake...what was that, a power nap?
Happy Friday!
Thursday, January 19, 2012
I need your help!
I am putting together a printed scrapbook for baby Snarkles first year, she's really not a baby anymore.
I need quotes, meaningful lyrics, words, phrases, snippets...
Please help me! Comment with the ones you love, whether you think they apply or not...
I'm not looking for the ones like "you grew in my heart" because that's not what this is about. It's about Snarkles life, the preciousness of it, the future of it, where she came from (being unable to care for herself) to where she is going (walking and feeding herself) and everything in between.
Words, I love how they can say everything.
Thank you, in advance!
I need quotes, meaningful lyrics, words, phrases, snippets...
Please help me! Comment with the ones you love, whether you think they apply or not...
I'm not looking for the ones like "you grew in my heart" because that's not what this is about. It's about Snarkles life, the preciousness of it, the future of it, where she came from (being unable to care for herself) to where she is going (walking and feeding herself) and everything in between.
Words, I love how they can say everything.
Thank you, in advance!
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
The Visit
I am only just now writing about this, because I was hesitant with where the line is on these kinds of details. So please, in advance, excuse me for my vagueness- I hope you know enough about these types of events/interactions to interpolate.
We went to Snarkles visit with her right after Christmas but before New Year.
There are rights, still granted.
I have not done a great job describing the visit to anyone. I guess it was kind of surreal but meaningless, interesting but uneventful, maddening but not a big deal, all at the same time.
I wish that he had wanted to know more about us and Snarkles life, since we were there. (He has had visits alone with her, but obviously she can't tell him anything) I thought he would have asked questions or given us a piece of his mind- positive or negative, I didn't know what to expect but I guess I did expect something more. There was a severe lack of interaction between us and him. He interacted with Snarkles and we interacted with Snarkles- and that was about the extent of the visit.
I can say that I was MOST shocked by the visitation room at DSS. This is where all her visits have occurred; I painted a picture in my head of this room. This room where I imagine they tried to inspire positive thoughts and actions, where they try to comfort family and child, and where they create an environment that they would like to see modeled by all. Instead, we got a room, tight for the 4 adults and one child in it.
Granted, there may have been some extra weight in that room that wasn't physically there, but it was still not suitable for family visits.
The floor, a GROSS rubberish/vinyl dark blue with the remnants of chewing gum/stickers/and I don't want to think what else caked on that has turned the color of grey smoke. There was a dark burgundy couch, piling of course on the edges from wear. Supposedly they had a slipcover at one time so that they COULD take it off and wash it- however that appeared to be balled up in a corner of one shelf. There were two windows, both with blinds that were closed and yellowed. A school table, you know- the fake woodgrain top with skinny metal legs. Chairs to go with, again a dark blue plastic molded chair and skinny metal legs. I can't even tell you the color of the wall, not because it was that gross...it probably was...but I think the shock of it all made it impossible to commit that to memory. The toys...broken, beaten, used and neglected lay in many piles- nothing organized.
It was one dismal place. I shutter at the thought that I sent Snarkles there quite a few times before seeing it and that I have to continue to send her. No wonder the girl was in such distress at her previous visits alone, not only was she ALONE (read, alone in the sense that this Mommy and Daddy weren't there) but she probably thought that she was being punished. Imagine a 10 month old transitioning from her room at home, her playroom/our living room, the daycare...all flooded with bright glorious daylight and happy soft sounding voices...to that environment- one day every two weeks.
We went to Snarkles visit with her right after Christmas but before New Year.
There are rights, still granted.
I have not done a great job describing the visit to anyone. I guess it was kind of surreal but meaningless, interesting but uneventful, maddening but not a big deal, all at the same time.
I wish that he had wanted to know more about us and Snarkles life, since we were there. (He has had visits alone with her, but obviously she can't tell him anything) I thought he would have asked questions or given us a piece of his mind- positive or negative, I didn't know what to expect but I guess I did expect something more. There was a severe lack of interaction between us and him. He interacted with Snarkles and we interacted with Snarkles- and that was about the extent of the visit.
I can say that I was MOST shocked by the visitation room at DSS. This is where all her visits have occurred; I painted a picture in my head of this room. This room where I imagine they tried to inspire positive thoughts and actions, where they try to comfort family and child, and where they create an environment that they would like to see modeled by all. Instead, we got a room, tight for the 4 adults and one child in it.
Granted, there may have been some extra weight in that room that wasn't physically there, but it was still not suitable for family visits.
The floor, a GROSS rubberish/vinyl dark blue with the remnants of chewing gum/stickers/and I don't want to think what else caked on that has turned the color of grey smoke. There was a dark burgundy couch, piling of course on the edges from wear. Supposedly they had a slipcover at one time so that they COULD take it off and wash it- however that appeared to be balled up in a corner of one shelf. There were two windows, both with blinds that were closed and yellowed. A school table, you know- the fake woodgrain top with skinny metal legs. Chairs to go with, again a dark blue plastic molded chair and skinny metal legs. I can't even tell you the color of the wall, not because it was that gross...it probably was...but I think the shock of it all made it impossible to commit that to memory. The toys...broken, beaten, used and neglected lay in many piles- nothing organized.
It was one dismal place. I shutter at the thought that I sent Snarkles there quite a few times before seeing it and that I have to continue to send her. No wonder the girl was in such distress at her previous visits alone, not only was she ALONE (read, alone in the sense that this Mommy and Daddy weren't there) but she probably thought that she was being punished. Imagine a 10 month old transitioning from her room at home, her playroom/our living room, the daycare...all flooded with bright glorious daylight and happy soft sounding voices...to that environment- one day every two weeks.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Disagree
I just read the following comment, it was a response to something someone posted on a forum about her children, who were in foster care, being reunited with a half-sister in her foster home.
"I'm sorry you are hurting but it is a common event in fostering. I don't know if you are a believer or not but it is time to put them in God's hands. I know that sounds trite but you really don't ahave much recourse."
I am certain that this person didn't mean it the way I'm about to explain it, but it IS how I read it, so...regardless...
God is NOT a fall-back. He's not there because, "well, you have nothing else to rely on or believe in, so there's God."
...and, Recourse?! she wasn't posting about her situation looking for recourse, she was hoping to get support. Support is the one reason we all succeed in being great foster parents- and yes, hopefully she IS a believer in God and already knew that God's hand was over the situation- but it is still heartbreaking. Just because it's "a common event" doesn't mean she ahould simply move on and forget these children- maybe instead you could have offered her advice (from experience) on how to stay connected or ideas for saving, sharing and cherishing the memories. She needs a reminder that she did a great job in parenting those children for the time they were hers, she needs you to simply say that you're there for her, and most of all she needs time to mourn the loss.
It's a good thing I'm outspoken, right? It's probably also a VERY GOOD THING that I know when and where it's appropriate to share my thoughts...you'll be happy to know that I didn't start any wars under the forum but I do hope that the commenter finds her way here :)
"I'm sorry you are hurting but it is a common event in fostering. I don't know if you are a believer or not but it is time to put them in God's hands. I know that sounds trite but you really don't ahave much recourse."
I am certain that this person didn't mean it the way I'm about to explain it, but it IS how I read it, so...regardless...
God is NOT a fall-back. He's not there because, "well, you have nothing else to rely on or believe in, so there's God."
...and, Recourse?! she wasn't posting about her situation looking for recourse, she was hoping to get support. Support is the one reason we all succeed in being great foster parents- and yes, hopefully she IS a believer in God and already knew that God's hand was over the situation- but it is still heartbreaking. Just because it's "a common event" doesn't mean she ahould simply move on and forget these children- maybe instead you could have offered her advice (from experience) on how to stay connected or ideas for saving, sharing and cherishing the memories. She needs a reminder that she did a great job in parenting those children for the time they were hers, she needs you to simply say that you're there for her, and most of all she needs time to mourn the loss.
It's a good thing I'm outspoken, right? It's probably also a VERY GOOD THING that I know when and where it's appropriate to share my thoughts...you'll be happy to know that I didn't start any wars under the forum but I do hope that the commenter finds her way here :)
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Christmas!
You know, the one thought that never crossed our mind was...
"Will this be our only Christmas with Snarkles?"
I don't know how to explain our mindset in this whole thing, but the reason I called this blog a Distinctive Love...is because I do, still, sometimes, feel like we have these few things that set us apart from all the other stories you read. It's why I try to find time to write here- maybe I do a good job describing it, maybe I don't...but, I guess the ultimate goal is to show what foster care is/can be. There are so many other stories out there and sure, good or bad they might be accurate accounts, but there's also this story and if you haven't related to any of the other ones, maybe, just maybe, you'll relate to ours.
Our holiday season began with the first biological parent visit since the end of July, but that didn't change a thing. We made sure we took Snarkles to see Santa Claus and put up a Christmas tree just so that she could hang her "baby's first" ornament. We don't taint these activities with thoughts of worry or unknowns for her future. Instead, we perform them like we would for any child whose first Christmas it is. For any child in our care whose second or third or tenth Christmas it is. We simply breath in these moments and enjoy them.
We look back at pictures and marvel at her growth (and our innocence). We look forward, to celebrating her first birthday. Sometimes, we talk so far into the future that I do scare myself. Yes, there are those rare times that I actually STOP words from coming out of my mouth because they don't sound quite right given our circumstances- but, fear not, I always remind myself...this girl is in God's hands.
I am so committed to my future with Snarkles that when I'm with her, I can't even write this blog. When I'm with her, it doesn't seem like we're a story...we're just family.
"Will this be our only Christmas with Snarkles?"
I don't know how to explain our mindset in this whole thing, but the reason I called this blog a Distinctive Love...is because I do, still, sometimes, feel like we have these few things that set us apart from all the other stories you read. It's why I try to find time to write here- maybe I do a good job describing it, maybe I don't...but, I guess the ultimate goal is to show what foster care is/can be. There are so many other stories out there and sure, good or bad they might be accurate accounts, but there's also this story and if you haven't related to any of the other ones, maybe, just maybe, you'll relate to ours.
Our holiday season began with the first biological parent visit since the end of July, but that didn't change a thing. We made sure we took Snarkles to see Santa Claus and put up a Christmas tree just so that she could hang her "baby's first" ornament. We don't taint these activities with thoughts of worry or unknowns for her future. Instead, we perform them like we would for any child whose first Christmas it is. For any child in our care whose second or third or tenth Christmas it is. We simply breath in these moments and enjoy them.
We look back at pictures and marvel at her growth (and our innocence). We look forward, to celebrating her first birthday. Sometimes, we talk so far into the future that I do scare myself. Yes, there are those rare times that I actually STOP words from coming out of my mouth because they don't sound quite right given our circumstances- but, fear not, I always remind myself...this girl is in God's hands.
I am so committed to my future with Snarkles that when I'm with her, I can't even write this blog. When I'm with her, it doesn't seem like we're a story...we're just family.
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