For loving this little girl, so much.
Is there something you see that I don't about all of this?
Be honest with me. Maybe I'm not doing this right because, I can not support reunification or dragging this process out any longer.
Snarkles had another visit last week. From what I know, she was in obvious distress. So much so that the visit lasted only 30 minutes- because who can torture a child with a situation they don't want to be in for longer than that? - It's sad that she is forced into the situation for even that long.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Exhibits of Experience
From what I've read, the foster care system is very different from state to state. It even seems to vary a bit from county to county within the state.
I wanted to describe our experience and why I think the effort we have put into it has affected the experience. I think that it's the attitude that we choose to take that can make the process (ie. experience) either better or worse.
I've read a lot of negativity and downtrodden comments about the system, but, while I do believe there are issues, I think the system is doing justice for the children it serves.
Experience Exhibit A: We're not in large city
We were in a MAPP class with around 15 people, of those 15 I'm not sure exactly how many went on to become licensed. We got to know our MAPP leaders very well. Our MAPP leaders both worked for Social Services. One had been a foster parent for teenagers for quite some time.
I have since seen these ladies out in public and continue to stop and talk with them. They know us well and we feel like there is a special connection.
If I am ever near their offices (about 20 minutes away from our home), or there for another reason, I don't hesitate to stop in to say hello. Keeping in touch and caring about what's happening makes you feel a thousand times more connected.
Experience Exhibit B: We're not afraid to ask questions
Our licensing worker comes with Snarkles case worker every 3 months. They are so wonderful to coordinate the visits so that we don't have to leave work early too often. Everytime she comes, I ask her about the kids that have come into care. I ask her about the other foster parents we were licensed with. I ask her if they have had any new changes in the office. You would be amazed at how much conversation these topics bring up and how much we learn from starting with a simple question.
Focusing the conversation on things other than the trivial
"the parents missed that meeting, why?"
"you're kidding me, she said what?"
"they're living in that place!"
will really make the visit much more enjoyable.
Experience Exhibit C: We realize just how busy the case worker is
At first, I will admit, I expected more information and more contact from Social Services. But once my attitude toward that shifted from "I want and need to know now" to "what difference does it make if I know" I feel like our case worker has gone out of her way to be sure we know the important things. I now feel pleasantly surprised as opposed to always unimpressed. Truthfully, our case worker is trusting us with a lot of information. I have found that the information doesn't change anything and that I am not in control, so letting go...is the best thing we can do. We're in this to parent and care for a child, as long as they are safe and comfortable- I can let go of my "NEED TO KNOW" attitude.
Experience Exhibit D: Reserved Judgement
This is by far the hardest. We have to make a conscious effort not to engage in the conversations where bashing the biological parents occurs. Sure, we can see clearly that they are making bad decisions, but given their circumstances- we have to forgive them. Some people simply live in a different world, by a different code of decorum or ethic or right and wrong, and they can't rationalize life in the way that we do.
My Mom says that I am like my Dad, I see the good in people.
Being able to do this, it's the only way you can survive the system. Rarely will reunification be the best future these children can have, but it could be their future. Being able to see {and help the children see} the good in their future, that's what matters. It's their story to tell, their strife to overcome. As foster parents we get the chance to show them the code of decorum and ethic and right and wrong that they can live by. We show them that they can succeed in a world different from the one they know. We show them unconditional love. Love void of judgement and negativity.
We care for the children and those working to make their parents lives better- the social worker has a responsibility to the child and to the biological parents. They are charged with helping these families reunify, succeed, and learn to live in a better world.
By our own volunteering we've signed up to support the system.
Whether frustrated or not, I think more of us foster parents need to talk about the GOOD. We need to explain how we make it better and the reason the system is working. I want the world to support these children- not talk about how sad their situation is.
And, my promise, is to come back to these thoughts the next time I get sad or discouraged.
I wanted to describe our experience and why I think the effort we have put into it has affected the experience. I think that it's the attitude that we choose to take that can make the process (ie. experience) either better or worse.
I've read a lot of negativity and downtrodden comments about the system, but, while I do believe there are issues, I think the system is doing justice for the children it serves.
Experience Exhibit A: We're not in large city
We were in a MAPP class with around 15 people, of those 15 I'm not sure exactly how many went on to become licensed. We got to know our MAPP leaders very well. Our MAPP leaders both worked for Social Services. One had been a foster parent for teenagers for quite some time.
I have since seen these ladies out in public and continue to stop and talk with them. They know us well and we feel like there is a special connection.
If I am ever near their offices (about 20 minutes away from our home), or there for another reason, I don't hesitate to stop in to say hello. Keeping in touch and caring about what's happening makes you feel a thousand times more connected.
Experience Exhibit B: We're not afraid to ask questions
Our licensing worker comes with Snarkles case worker every 3 months. They are so wonderful to coordinate the visits so that we don't have to leave work early too often. Everytime she comes, I ask her about the kids that have come into care. I ask her about the other foster parents we were licensed with. I ask her if they have had any new changes in the office. You would be amazed at how much conversation these topics bring up and how much we learn from starting with a simple question.
Focusing the conversation on things other than the trivial
"the parents missed that meeting, why?"
"you're kidding me, she said what?"
"they're living in that place!"
will really make the visit much more enjoyable.
Experience Exhibit C: We realize just how busy the case worker is
At first, I will admit, I expected more information and more contact from Social Services. But once my attitude toward that shifted from "I want and need to know now" to "what difference does it make if I know" I feel like our case worker has gone out of her way to be sure we know the important things. I now feel pleasantly surprised as opposed to always unimpressed. Truthfully, our case worker is trusting us with a lot of information. I have found that the information doesn't change anything and that I am not in control, so letting go...is the best thing we can do. We're in this to parent and care for a child, as long as they are safe and comfortable- I can let go of my "NEED TO KNOW" attitude.
Experience Exhibit D: Reserved Judgement
This is by far the hardest. We have to make a conscious effort not to engage in the conversations where bashing the biological parents occurs. Sure, we can see clearly that they are making bad decisions, but given their circumstances- we have to forgive them. Some people simply live in a different world, by a different code of decorum or ethic or right and wrong, and they can't rationalize life in the way that we do.
My Mom says that I am like my Dad, I see the good in people.
Being able to do this, it's the only way you can survive the system. Rarely will reunification be the best future these children can have, but it could be their future. Being able to see {and help the children see} the good in their future, that's what matters. It's their story to tell, their strife to overcome. As foster parents we get the chance to show them the code of decorum and ethic and right and wrong that they can live by. We show them that they can succeed in a world different from the one they know. We show them unconditional love. Love void of judgement and negativity.
We care for the children and those working to make their parents lives better- the social worker has a responsibility to the child and to the biological parents. They are charged with helping these families reunify, succeed, and learn to live in a better world.
By our own volunteering we've signed up to support the system.
Whether frustrated or not, I think more of us foster parents need to talk about the GOOD. We need to explain how we make it better and the reason the system is working. I want the world to support these children- not talk about how sad their situation is.
And, my promise, is to come back to these thoughts the next time I get sad or discouraged.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
With time...
...I knew I'd get past that initial sadness of waiting another month. It might have helped that we went ahead to the hospital that night to meet Camyden (and he is beautiful, with a head full of the softest hair!) or that we engaged in some retail therapy over the weekend. Either way, I'm thankful to be here, here on the other side of the anxiousness and disappointment.
This week, is much like all the others- where we forget she isn't "ours." This week, we're watching her take her first unassisted steps! She is full of joy and excitement at mastering the challenge. She is certainly a child who works hard, gets it wrong (she tried out a "monkey walk" technique that just made us laugh), becomes frustrated along the way, but perseveres to conquer her goals. It's amazing to see her forming a personality. I'm so hopeful that she is a good example of this throughout her childhood that you might work hard to get it wrong but you keep going until you've accomplished it- and accomplished it well.
I want her not only to climb mountains, but to be the fittest on the way and the first to the top. I'm guessing every parent wants that for their child...
This week, is much like all the others- where we forget she isn't "ours." This week, we're watching her take her first unassisted steps! She is full of joy and excitement at mastering the challenge. She is certainly a child who works hard, gets it wrong (she tried out a "monkey walk" technique that just made us laugh), becomes frustrated along the way, but perseveres to conquer her goals. It's amazing to see her forming a personality. I'm so hopeful that she is a good example of this throughout her childhood that you might work hard to get it wrong but you keep going until you've accomplished it- and accomplished it well.
I want her not only to climb mountains, but to be the fittest on the way and the first to the top. I'm guessing every parent wants that for their child...
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Case Continued
To be 100% honest, I wasn't nervous/anxious/or excited for the day but now, hearing that we have to wait until the middle of March...I'm feeling a little sad and maybe disappointed.
I am learning a lot about the legal system and this process. I understand the decision to postpone but it still sucks.
We knew this was a possibility so I can't really put my finger on why it's hard news to hear- but I can only guess it's because we've been thinking back on our memories from a year ago. It's easy to remember the feeling of not knowing what the future holds. But, we do know how amazing things turned out. So, I know- time will heal and this feeling will pass.
Today isn't our day anyway- Justin's cousin welcomed his first child early this morning and we can't wait to go meet him.
I am learning a lot about the legal system and this process. I understand the decision to postpone but it still sucks.
We knew this was a possibility so I can't really put my finger on why it's hard news to hear- but I can only guess it's because we've been thinking back on our memories from a year ago. It's easy to remember the feeling of not knowing what the future holds. But, we do know how amazing things turned out. So, I know- time will heal and this feeling will pass.
Today isn't our day anyway- Justin's cousin welcomed his first child early this morning and we can't wait to go meet him.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
One Year
A year ago today, we became parents.
A year ago today, we had no clue what our future was going to look like.
{I could not have imagined a better year}
It won't actually be a year until just after 7pm tonight and I will spend most of today just remembering that moment, that moment when they first laid a baby in my lap. I will spend today trying to remember how tiny she felt and how snuggle-y she was.
I still can't believe anyone trusted a newborn baby to me. I tried to remember what they said about when to feed her, how much, what to watch for, what the doctors said, etc. but, all I could focus on was that things were becoming real.
I was so anxious and excited. Anxious to start the journey we had prepared for. Excited to love a baby. There were many serious things that never crossed our mind. Serious complications that a baby, born exposed to drugs, could have to deal with- it was never a matter of what we would have to deal with. Not mentally, emotionally, or physically. It was, from the beginning, a matter of PARENTING. We promised to parent a child who wasn't legally or biologically ours. And, {thanks to the glory of God} I think we've done one hell of a job parenting our first time around.
Truthfully though, we had no idea we would be so blessed in return. It has been an amazing year. One full of learning, growing, and loving. We don't just love her, she loves us. That is the most beautiful part of our first year as parents - it's not the sleepless nights, dirty diapers, decorating a nursery, or buying cute clothes - it is having a child love us back.
Tomorrow has the potential to be another huge day, if the case hearing isn't postponed another month. It seems inevitable now as to what is best for Snarkles future, but it's still undetermined by the court. While we appreciate any and all prayers, I'm asking that you keep her biological parents, especially the father, in your prayers as well.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
One Year
{Everyone says they can't believe how fast time passes. I realize, I can believe it}
You woke up so incredibly happy and smiley on your birthday. Daddy and I walked in to your room together to wake you, something we've never (or rarely at most) done. Aunt Andrea came in right behind us and your face lit up even more.
I think you knew it was your special day.
It's not that I can't believe your first birthday has come (and gone) it's that this whole thing seems like a dream.
I remember our moments from your first year like they are dreams from last night.
You are a bright eye'd bushy tailed girl. You love to climb and crawl and stand and fuss. You play with toys, but your sense of adventure in climbing and following outweighs your interest in them. You dance. You make noise.
Was that little baby from a year ago real? That's the hard thing to imagine. You, now, are so incredibly different than You, a year ago.
When I look at you, I can't picture You in a year, or two, or ten. Looking back at your pictures though, I see You. That's strange to me. You look just like you did as an infant...and even though you'll always look like her, I just can't imagine what you'll look like in the future. That's the beauty in life, I suppose. It means we must enjoy you NOW, because you are only the YOU you are today, right now.
It means we must enjoy you NOW, not because we might not have you in the future, because you are only the YOU you are today, right now. That's a critical point I should make, I don't feel this way because as a child in foster care your future with us is still undetermined, I feel this way because you are our beautiful little girl. You are ours, in heart and mind and many people follow this blog BECAUSE we are fostering, but what I say, I don't say because of the unknown. I say it, because we love you and loving You will always feel like a dream, come true.
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