Session 3 - Losses and Gains

I've never believed in having regrets.

(...but I think I realized after this session, I've just never had the type of life experiences where regretting my actions was required for healing)

I have always believed I've grown more mature, stronger, and enlightened through each experience I've had. So, I'm a believer in gains. With each loss there is always a gain, I get that. But what I've neglected to put thought into is, that without grieving a loss, I can't truly realize the gain.

In foster care or any kind of adoption situation, the child is dealing with a loss (many losses). The child will feel with their gut and not with their brain. They won't be able to intellectualize their situations, they'll will just react based on what they feel. This means there are behaviors associated with their stages of grief.

I've had losses in my life. Moving from PA to a town in Southwest VA was a loss for me. I lost having a connection to my extended family and growing up immersed in the culture my family was familiar with. I've always focused on the gains from the situation, thinking about how I would've never met my best friend in elementary school if we had never moved down to VA. Focusing on how the seasons in VA are much more temperate than PA and thinking how great that was for being outdoors. I don't regret having that change in my life, but I do need to grieve the loss.

The stages of loss include:

shock/denial
pain/guilt
anger/bargaining
denial/depression
acceptance/understanding

Children in foster care might move through these stages at different paces. The important thing, as foster parents, is that we recognize their feelings and allow them to grieve. We need to help them through the process, not stop them in one stage or let them get stuck in one stage, but to help them work all the way through it.

Where?

Where are we in life?


We've been married for 3 years now and together around 7. We made a decision to move to a more rural area to be close to family and to enjoy the quietness outside of the cities we love. The cities welcome us pretty often as we spend a lot of time being active, getting involved, and just enjoying what they have to offer...but it is always nice to come back home to our quiet little town on the river.

It's nice to be where we are in life and location. Our location offer's us river access within minutes for kayaking and lightly traveled roads for our newest hobby, cycling. We are involved in church and are hoping to see it grow in the next few years. Our neighbors couldn't be better and our friends are within walking distance.

We've bought the house, got the cat and dog, own two vehicles, and each have our career. Does that make us ready?
No.

I think what makes us ready is our lifestyle, our beliefs, and our commitment to each other. We love people. I fall in love with people much too easily. Our neighbors have become family, we don't clean our house anymore just because our friends are coming over, and we appreciate the people we work with.

It's still scary, to move into another phase in life. I think this is what attracts me, in particular, to fostering because, we're not alone in caring for a child, the DSS is behind us and supporting us 100%.

The 5 W's

Who?

What?

Where?

When?

Why?

I've answered the Who? question. So, to get into more detail about the What? question...

Obviously, from previous posts you can gather that we're taking classes with the local Department of Social Services to become licensed foster/adoptive parents.

I don't feel a strong desire to get pregnant right now, but I have a very intense desire to care for a child. This is a strange feeling to have, based on what i've experienced in society because as a woman, typically, the two go hand in hand. I don't think that has to be the case though and I see fostering/adopting as a way of living a life committed to something larger than ourselves.

Fostering a child will open our lives up to an experience that can not compare to any other, an experience that will change us completely (in, hopefully, very positive ways). We want to foster a baby and/or toddler. Fostering to adopt would be the best situation we could get however, the goal for most children, taken into custody as children of the state, is to be reunited with their birth family. While this will be the most difficult thing to deal with emotionally- seeing a child grow, becoming a positive influence and example, and then reuniting that child (saying goodbye) with their birth family- I am sure that, together, we can do this.

Because together, we're not afraid to try new adventures.

Together, we've taken on the responsibility of this guy.

And together, we've made the biggest purchase of our lives...

Family Profile

It was the first of our 10 week sessions. The room was bright, warm, and a tight fit for the 15 people in it. We sat patiently and quietly until the leader stepped up. Well, all of us, except one gentleman. He had a deep voice, strong laugh, and an ability to break the silence we all wanted reprieve from with his jovial personality....

Sounds like the start of a novel, right?! Honestly, getting involved in this seems a little like we're just actors playing our part in some story. It's a story who's back cover I haven't read. I'm not sure exactly what the plot is, who the main characters are, and what I anticipate the ending to be.

Sort of, surreal.

The husband and I are working on a lot of paperwork after the first session. The class itself focused on looking at the strengths and needs of an individual child and of ourselves (parents). Needs, not weaknesses (this was a very important point). We talked slightly about the plan that the Dept. of Social Services develops for each child. We did a get to know each other activity and some child/parent role playing.

Overall, the class was good, but I was excited to be there and had a positive outlook regardless. One of our leaders is excellent. Unfortunately, the other person teaching the class is dull, not very engaging, and somewhat awkward....oh well, there are a lot of those people in life. I've learned coping mechanisms, just like the gentleman who was coping with the awkward silence of our group at the beginning by making us all laugh....I hope he gets a sandwich next time (the meeting was right at dinner time and the poor guy was starving).

The First Meeting

I was anxious (and excited) about tonight's orientation meeting. Did I have any idea what to expect? Nope.

No one did apparently. I definitely got the feeling we weren't and aren't alone in the process. There was a mixture of "I won't tell anyone I saw you here if you don't tell them you saw me" and "can you tell us what the average age of a child is?" and "you will be shocked by some of the things going on in the homes of these children."

I was very surprised (secretly excited) to see two other couples, around our age, in attendance and beyond them a room full of anxious others. I hope they stick around. I can see where this group will become a huge support system. I know your family is supposed to be where you draw your strength, but these people...going through this with us...they're going to understand.

And the most shocking part, my husband asked a question. the only man in the room to speak. Yeah, we're doing this.

I won't have Tuesday nights free for the next 10 weeks...and I couldn't be happier.

Tomorrow...

...is the orientation meeting where we will find out the details of working with the local Department of Social Services to become foster parents.

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There's one question that I can not stand that people have asked since we've been married- "When are you going to start a family?" The question itself is meant to be harmless...but for me, I have a family. I've had a family. The family my husband and I are building started the day we got married. Even without kids we are a family. We're a husband, a wife, a cat and a dog. So please, don't ask when I'm going to "start" a family, because I have one...and it's pretty effin' awesome.

But it does make me think..."when?"...Is there ever really a good time to add to the family?

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I'm glad we're just jumping in, head first, it's kind of the way we do things around here.

The 5 W's

Who?
What?
Where?
When?
Why?

These questions will be answered, in due time.
Let's start with- Who?

A couple, in the latter half of their 20s, thinking about fostering and adoption...before ever trying to have children biologically (What? Why?)

This post comes prior to any training, any meetings, any final decisions...

To track the process from beginning to...well....wherever it may take us.

So far, we've talked between ourselves and purchased one book.

The conversation went like this
the wife - "Would you ever consider adoption?"
the husband - "I don't know, maybe"
the wife - "What about fostering?"
the husband - "I don't know, maybe"
the wife - "Well, I really feel like it's something I am being called to do. You know how easily I love people, I know that we could love any child God put in our family"
the husband - "Ok...yeah, I agree"
the wife - "Let's at least think about fostering to adopt. There's an orientation for the 10 week training on September 9th, will you be willing to do that?"
the husband - "Yes."

The book is called "You Can Adopt, An Adoptive Families Guide" by Susan Caughman and Isolde Motley