Exhibits of Experience

From what I've read, the foster care system is very different from state to state. It even seems to vary a bit from county to county within the state.

I wanted to describe our experience and why I think the effort we have put into it has affected the experience. I think that it's the attitude that we choose to take that can make the process (ie. experience) either better or worse.

I've read a lot of negativity and downtrodden comments about the system, but, while I do believe there are issues, I think the system is doing justice for the children it serves.

Experience Exhibit A: We're not in large city
We were in a MAPP class with around 15 people, of those 15 I'm not sure exactly how many went on to become licensed. We got to know our MAPP leaders very well. Our MAPP leaders both worked for Social Services. One had been a foster parent for teenagers for quite some time.

I have since seen these ladies out in public and continue to stop and talk with them. They know us well and we feel like there is a special connection.

If I am ever near their offices (about 20 minutes away from our home), or there for another reason, I don't hesitate to stop in to say hello. Keeping in touch and caring about what's happening makes you feel a thousand times more connected.

Experience Exhibit B: We're not afraid to ask questions
Our licensing worker comes with Snarkles case worker every 3 months. They are so wonderful to coordinate the visits so that we don't have to leave work early too often. Everytime she comes, I ask her about the kids that have come into care. I ask her about the other foster parents we were licensed with. I ask her if they have had any new changes in the office. You would be amazed at how much conversation these topics bring up and how much we learn from starting with a simple question.

Focusing the conversation on things other than the trivial
"the parents missed that meeting, why?"
"you're kidding me, she said what?"
"they're living in that place!"
will really make the visit much more enjoyable.

Experience Exhibit C: We realize just how busy the case worker is
At first, I will admit, I expected more information and more contact from Social Services. But once my attitude toward that shifted from "I want and need to know now" to "what difference does it make if I know" I feel like our case worker has gone out of her way to be sure we know the important things. I now feel pleasantly surprised as opposed to always unimpressed. Truthfully, our case worker is trusting us with a lot of information. I have found that the information doesn't change anything and that I am not in control, so letting go...is the best thing we can do. We're in this to parent and care for a child, as long as they are safe and comfortable- I can let go of my "NEED TO KNOW" attitude.

Experience Exhibit D: Reserved Judgement
This is by far the hardest. We have to make a conscious effort not to engage in the conversations where bashing the biological parents occurs. Sure, we can see clearly that they are making bad decisions, but given their circumstances- we have to forgive them. Some people simply live in a different world, by a different code of decorum or ethic or right and wrong, and they can't rationalize life in the way that we do.

My Mom says that I am like my Dad, I see the good in people.

Being able to do this, it's the only way you can survive the system. Rarely will reunification be the best future these children can have, but it could be their future. Being able to see {and help the children see} the good in their future, that's what matters. It's their story to tell, their strife to overcome. As foster parents we get the chance to show them the code of decorum and ethic and right and wrong that they can live by. We show them that they can succeed in a world different from the one they know. We show them unconditional love. Love void of judgement and negativity.

We care for the children and those working to make their parents lives better- the social worker has a responsibility to the child and to the biological parents. They are charged with helping these families reunify, succeed, and learn to live in a better world.

By our own volunteering we've signed up to support the system.

Whether frustrated or not, I think more of us foster parents need to talk about the GOOD. We need to explain how we make it better and the reason the system is working. I want the world to support these children- not talk about how sad their situation is.

And, my promise, is to come back to these thoughts the next time I get sad or discouraged.