...that before Snarkles I was indifferent to pregnant ladies, babies, and cute Mom's. I wasn't all "ooo and awe" over them.
Now, every time I see a pregnant lady I think about how excited having that baby in her life is going to be. I think about all the joy Snarkles has brought us.
When I see a mother with her child, in photographs or person, I just get this incredible sensation. I see something that I didn't see before because now I know what that love between them looks like and I not only see it, I feel it.
I also have this huge sense of guilt for loving this child so hard. Knowing there's another woman out there who should, in all rights, love this child as hard as any mother. She doesn't have the opportunity.
Even though her own choices led to this situation, it has to be hard when she sees those pregnant ladies, babies, and cute Mom's. Does she miss Snarkles every time she sees another baby girl about the same age? Does it bother her to know another woman is loving her child, holding her, and developing a deep bond with her?!
Managing this feel has got to be the hardest part of fostering. Has to be.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Monday, April 11, 2011
I WANT to be Mom.
We have received a countless number of offers from people who want to watch baby Snarkles for a night. To "keep her while you guys go out on a date."
People are practically begging for her, she's just that cute and sweet.
But, it's getting annoying that I have to keep smiling and saying "thank you" "we will" "we know, we'll call if we need anything." Because, in fact, we are doing GREAT with baby Snarkles and we WANT to give up our time for her.
We never actually "went on dates" before she came, I don't know why we would start now. We don't know how long we will have Snarkles, I plan to spend every second of time with her that I can get. We don't see her all day long, why would I not want to see her at night or on the weekends. The mere 30+/- hours that we have with an awake baby during the week are simply not enough to quench our thirst to love her.
These are just a few of the reasons that I wish people would quit offering to keep her over and over. We should be grateful, but instead I feel like a jerk because I never do call, I never do need them to come watch her so that Justin and I can be alone.
We like taking her with us wherever we go. Experiencing life with her is so special that I just can't seem to "give it up." So, I'm sorry I haven't called. I'm not being rude, I just don't need a night out.
People are practically begging for her, she's just that cute and sweet.
But, it's getting annoying that I have to keep smiling and saying "thank you" "we will" "we know, we'll call if we need anything." Because, in fact, we are doing GREAT with baby Snarkles and we WANT to give up our time for her.
We never actually "went on dates" before she came, I don't know why we would start now. We don't know how long we will have Snarkles, I plan to spend every second of time with her that I can get. We don't see her all day long, why would I not want to see her at night or on the weekends. The mere 30+/- hours that we have with an awake baby during the week are simply not enough to quench our thirst to love her.
These are just a few of the reasons that I wish people would quit offering to keep her over and over. We should be grateful, but instead I feel like a jerk because I never do call, I never do need them to come watch her so that Justin and I can be alone.
We like taking her with us wherever we go. Experiencing life with her is so special that I just can't seem to "give it up." So, I'm sorry I haven't called. I'm not being rude, I just don't need a night out.
Friday, April 8, 2011
A photo for the faithful readers!
Oh, you wanted a REAL photo?! Trust me, I would LOVE to show you a true picture of this beautiful little girl. There isn't much but she can certainly thank her birth parents for one thing...
Thursday, April 7, 2011
My Dear Neglected Blog,
It's nice that you're still around, for the times when I actually spend a second to post. I don't know what happens in the meantime...do people check to see if I've written? are people curious about our experience in fostering? am I on anyone's google reader?
So, I don't know what has happened that I haven't posted lately, I've just...been lazy.
We are now 2 months into the experience...and every week seems to be a little different. Sometimes, things are drastically different day to day depending on the information we receive.
But, in the last week and a half we haven't heard a word about the case nor had a visitation to attend.
It's been glorious, our little "family" has gone about life as if there isn't this crazy caveat to the whole thing.
Today, we have an in home appointment with someone regarding Snarkles entrance into a program through the Health Department. My vague understanding is that they speak about the general health and milestones of the child and offer routine or emergency visits should there be any questions we have regarding Snarkles health.
She was eligible for the program thanks to the situations that brought her into care. I will admit that we could've followed up with this program sooner but honestly I did not quite understand it's usefulness to us. We have a pediatrician, wouldn't we simply use their expertise to answer our questions?
...I'm not convinced that WE need this service, but...it's not about us, it's about Snarkles and so she will be signed up for any and all programs she's eligible for- even, if it isn't convenient for us.
So, I don't know what has happened that I haven't posted lately, I've just...been lazy.
We are now 2 months into the experience...and every week seems to be a little different. Sometimes, things are drastically different day to day depending on the information we receive.
But, in the last week and a half we haven't heard a word about the case nor had a visitation to attend.
It's been glorious, our little "family" has gone about life as if there isn't this crazy caveat to the whole thing.
Today, we have an in home appointment with someone regarding Snarkles entrance into a program through the Health Department. My vague understanding is that they speak about the general health and milestones of the child and offer routine or emergency visits should there be any questions we have regarding Snarkles health.
She was eligible for the program thanks to the situations that brought her into care. I will admit that we could've followed up with this program sooner but honestly I did not quite understand it's usefulness to us. We have a pediatrician, wouldn't we simply use their expertise to answer our questions?
...I'm not convinced that WE need this service, but...it's not about us, it's about Snarkles and so she will be signed up for any and all programs she's eligible for- even, if it isn't convenient for us.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
The roller-coaster
Many people refer to different experiences, trials, or even life in general, as a roller-coaster.
Fostering is an emotional roller-coaster for sure.
Today, I'd like to get off the roller-coaster we're riding...
But, there's another part to that analogy...I'd like to get off the roller-coaster we're on, but I don't want to leave the amusement park.
This is the most amazing amusement park in the world.
If you haven't been here, I'd totally recommend it. (even if sometimes the rides are crappy!)
Fostering is an emotional roller-coaster for sure.
Today, I'd like to get off the roller-coaster we're riding...
But, there's another part to that analogy...I'd like to get off the roller-coaster we're on, but I don't want to leave the amusement park.
This is the most amazing amusement park in the world.
If you haven't been here, I'd totally recommend it. (even if sometimes the rides are crappy!)
Monday, March 14, 2011
Deserving?
Someone said that Snarkles parents don't "deserve" her.
I'm sorry but, no matter what we do in life, do any of us "deserve" children?
I hope not.
What I mean is this- I hope, being blessed with children is never a matter of "you deserved them" and rather a matter of "you can love them." To be deserving is such a judgement. None of us, on earth, have the right to make such a self-righteous statement. So, no...you will not hear my say that the birth parents don't deserve Snarkles. They certainly can't provide for Snarkles; They can not provide the nurture, the education, the stability, or the love and attention that we can. At least not right now, but honestly, I trust that they could LOVE Snarkles. I hope that somewhere, deep down in their bodies, they love her. Sure their actions don't necessarily say that...but they're not focused on taking care of a child, their focused on themselves. Their "needs" right now are nothing that a baby should be caught up in. So, no, Snarkles should not be with them, but that doesn't mean they don't deserve her.
I've had to dig deep inside myself to really accept that Snarkles could be reunified and to understand how that will ever be ok. We will most likely always be able to provide for Snarkles in ways her birth parents never will. Why couldn't she stay with us for that matter alone?
She would, if it was a matter of deserving.
But even more than that, if it is a matter of deserving, it's hard for me to understand how we deserve Snarkles. Man, to think so would be so self-righteous that I wouldn't be able to stand being in the room with myself. You know those types of people. The Self-Righteous.
Anyway, I can't allow myself to judge Snarkles parents. It's not my place and it won't help me accept reunification, if it happens. All I want to do is trust that Snarkles will always be loved and taken good care of.
I'm sorry but, no matter what we do in life, do any of us "deserve" children?
I hope not.
What I mean is this- I hope, being blessed with children is never a matter of "you deserved them" and rather a matter of "you can love them." To be deserving is such a judgement. None of us, on earth, have the right to make such a self-righteous statement. So, no...you will not hear my say that the birth parents don't deserve Snarkles. They certainly can't provide for Snarkles; They can not provide the nurture, the education, the stability, or the love and attention that we can. At least not right now, but honestly, I trust that they could LOVE Snarkles. I hope that somewhere, deep down in their bodies, they love her. Sure their actions don't necessarily say that...but they're not focused on taking care of a child, their focused on themselves. Their "needs" right now are nothing that a baby should be caught up in. So, no, Snarkles should not be with them, but that doesn't mean they don't deserve her.
I've had to dig deep inside myself to really accept that Snarkles could be reunified and to understand how that will ever be ok. We will most likely always be able to provide for Snarkles in ways her birth parents never will. Why couldn't she stay with us for that matter alone?
She would, if it was a matter of deserving.
But even more than that, if it is a matter of deserving, it's hard for me to understand how we deserve Snarkles. Man, to think so would be so self-righteous that I wouldn't be able to stand being in the room with myself. You know those types of people. The Self-Righteous.
Anyway, I can't allow myself to judge Snarkles parents. It's not my place and it won't help me accept reunification, if it happens. All I want to do is trust that Snarkles will always be loved and taken good care of.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Being Selfish
I've been selfish with this process.
Not wanting to share, wanting to hog this experience ever since Snarkles came into our lives.
Snarkles is doing well and growing like a weed- I'm happy to report she's out of premie clothes! Well, I say happy, because it means she's thriving, but honestly, it was sad to pack away the little onsies that she will never fit into again.
Unbelievable. Do you hear me?! I'm such a MOM now.
Anyway, the process has been really positive so far. Monday's are typically the most emotional. Snarkles get's picked up at our house by her foster care case worker and taken to visit with her birth parents. It's emotional because these days are the only day I really hear about what's been happening on the case or when I get a chance to ask the random, curious, questions.
So of course I draw my own conclusions or make irrational assumptions while all the possibilities run through my head.
It's hard to foster a newborn, to pour all your energy into this little bundle of warmth and beauty, and not know nearly as much as you would want to know. Are they pursuing a kinship placement? If the case moves to a different county will the child be able to remain in our care? Are the birth parents working their plan? What IS their plan?....you get the point.
We have not begun what they call "shared parenting" where we interact with the birth parents. However, I was sure to send pictures to the first visit and a note to the second.
It's tough, but we have the most amazing support system. I was touched to receive a gift from a lady that I don't know, but who my Mom has been bragging about us to. That's what makes this process amazing. It brings so many people together, gives people a positive feeling about the world. Not that we think we're doing anything great, but while I was driving home today I realized- I so often try to down play what it is we are doing...when really, this IS amazing. It's amazing to not just send a note with Snarkles to her visit.....
...but to get one back.
Not wanting to share, wanting to hog this experience ever since Snarkles came into our lives.
Snarkles is doing well and growing like a weed- I'm happy to report she's out of premie clothes! Well, I say happy, because it means she's thriving, but honestly, it was sad to pack away the little onsies that she will never fit into again.
Unbelievable. Do you hear me?! I'm such a MOM now.
Anyway, the process has been really positive so far. Monday's are typically the most emotional. Snarkles get's picked up at our house by her foster care case worker and taken to visit with her birth parents. It's emotional because these days are the only day I really hear about what's been happening on the case or when I get a chance to ask the random, curious, questions.
So of course I draw my own conclusions or make irrational assumptions while all the possibilities run through my head.
It's hard to foster a newborn, to pour all your energy into this little bundle of warmth and beauty, and not know nearly as much as you would want to know. Are they pursuing a kinship placement? If the case moves to a different county will the child be able to remain in our care? Are the birth parents working their plan? What IS their plan?....you get the point.
We have not begun what they call "shared parenting" where we interact with the birth parents. However, I was sure to send pictures to the first visit and a note to the second.
It's tough, but we have the most amazing support system. I was touched to receive a gift from a lady that I don't know, but who my Mom has been bragging about us to. That's what makes this process amazing. It brings so many people together, gives people a positive feeling about the world. Not that we think we're doing anything great, but while I was driving home today I realized- I so often try to down play what it is we are doing...when really, this IS amazing. It's amazing to not just send a note with Snarkles to her visit.....
...but to get one back.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Internet Nickname: Snarkles
Because we are not publishing her name we will use an internet nickname...she has been given the name Snarkles thanks to her snarkly sounding breathing. Poor little girl came to us with congestion, she's getting past it...thanks to the snot bulb sucker and our awesome humidifier!
Snarkles Guardian Ad Litem (GAL) is coming today for her first visit. Each child in foster care gets a GAL who is the child's advocate in court. She will speak on behalf of Snarkles for what's best for her, where she seems happy, etc. If Snarkles was able to talk she'd take her into a room alone and ask how she likes living with her foster parents, what she does daily etc. The GAL said a lot of times this is when the children might say that they miss their mommies/daddies.
Anyway, she's coming his afternoon and I think she'll be very happy with Snarkles arrangement here!
Snarkles Guardian Ad Litem (GAL) is coming today for her first visit. Each child in foster care gets a GAL who is the child's advocate in court. She will speak on behalf of Snarkles for what's best for her, where she seems happy, etc. If Snarkles was able to talk she'd take her into a room alone and ask how she likes living with her foster parents, what she does daily etc. The GAL said a lot of times this is when the children might say that they miss their mommies/daddies.
Anyway, she's coming his afternoon and I think she'll be very happy with Snarkles arrangement here!
Thursday, February 17, 2011
You'd think we know what we're doing!
Here she is loaded and ready for her first ped appt. she slept the whole ride there and back.
Burrito baby, not sure this is right, but she seems to sleep good this way!
"Oh, goooooodnesss" her favorite part of a diaper change is this, the holding at the end.
All wrapped in a ducky towel after a bath. She smelled like heaven.
And my personal favorite picture in this whole post...
You can't tell necessary from these pictures, but she's adorable. No really, I CAN be biased on this and I still think she's so freaking cute.
Burrito baby, not sure this is right, but she seems to sleep good this way!
"Oh, goooooodnesss" her favorite part of a diaper change is this, the holding at the end.
All wrapped in a ducky towel after a bath. She smelled like heaven.
And my personal favorite picture in this whole post...
You can't tell necessary from these pictures, but she's adorable. No really, I CAN be biased on this and I still think she's so freaking cute.
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