So, I was just sitting here at work ...wondering what it will be like to say I've been here 10 years, to have the kind of experience, knowledge, efficiency that comes with 10 years of work... When this wave, that lit up every one of my nerve endings, came over me.
I've always wondered what it would be like to be older. Just a little bit older. Heck, I didn't just wonder- I've always WANTED to be older. I wanted the experiences that come with age, the respect that comes with experience, and the pride of being respected.
In high school, I couldn't wait to go to college. In college, I admired (and could not wait) to be the professional. When I wasn't dating, I was daydreaming about my future wedding. When I was dating, I couldn't wait to get married and have that wedding I'd dreamed of.
But, man...experiences are here and gone before you even had a chance to squeeze them of all their precious juices. And I know this, and I try to just take life as it happen, and I intentionally try not to plan for what's next- but it doesn't shut down the way I feel about being older. Just a little bit older.
I've always felt like somewhat of an "old soul" - I felt comfortable in a conversation with grown-ups when I was 6, I admired and could never learn enough about my older brother (even though he is only slightly older, when you're 13 and he's 15...his friends/life just seem so much more experienced than mine), and when it comes to hanging out I'm generally the youngest.
That wave that I felt today, was me being scared that I'll close my eyes and wake up 101 years old...being surrounded only by those younger than me, having nothing to look forward to and no one to look up to...
I guess my point is this- I want to be a foster parent right now. I want to have the experiences to share and a child to love. It's the next step, it's a marker of age, but maybe...maybe I'm missing out right now because all I'm doing is focusing on what's next. What is it, right now, that makes my life wonderful and worthy of a blog post?
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